Nine and a Half Hours

This will likely be my last entry for a few days. Michele will be with me and she will be writing about whatever is going on. Until I’m back, be sure to follow along on her blog.

Basically there are nine and a half hours to go. Surgery is scheduled for 7:30AM MST; we need to be there at 5:30. I’ve no idea what will be going on for those two hours. I hope it’s not just a bunch of sitting around. Dr Meltzer said to figure that the surgery will be finished about 3 ½ hours after 8AM. Michele hasn’t yet decided exactly what she’ll do during that time. She can come back here for a while or hang out there. I know she wants to stay close but there’s really nothing for her to do but wait. At that point it will he harder on her than it will be on me.

Dr Meltzer said that there really isn’t a lot of post surgery pain, less than what I had with my hernia surgeries. I hope he is right.

Interesting anecdote: during the physical exam he remarked on my genital electrolysis saying that I’d likely have to do some more between this vaginoplasty and the labiaplasty. He mentioned that when he first started telling people that they should do the genital electrolysis he didn’t really believe that people would actually do it. Yeah, it hurts, but it beats having hair growing out of your vagina.

Talk to you again in a few days. Thanks for being here with me.

Ode to a Penis

Nah, just kidding.

At my last session with my counselor she asked if I felt a need to say goodbye to my penis. No, definitely not. I was once asked what the difference is between a transsexual and a cross dresser. I think it lies somewhere with the penis. For a transsexual they want nothing more than to get rid of their penis. A cross dresser (or a regular guy) can’t envision life without a penis.

No, not gonna miss it!

Pre-Op Post Factum

I’m cleared for take-off, all systems are go. I had had a fear that “something” would make it necessary to postpone the surgery. I’m very glad to have a green light.

I’m impressed by the office staff. Everyone is friendly and courteous and Toby is great. His bedside manner is wonderful. He spent quite a while talking with us and answering all of my questions about post-op care and return to activities and all of Michele’s questions. We also spoke about the labiaplasty (scheduled for January 16) and the possibility of breast augmentation. In regards to breast augmentation I had been wondering if it’s best to do this with Toby or see a breast specialist. After talking with Toby I’m convinced that it would be better with him; he understands the anatomy of the male body and the special consideration that must be given for a natural look and superior outcome.

I woke up this morning with a painful stiff neck. I just scheduled a deep tissue massage for 1PM. Hopefully this will get me straightened out and feeling more ready for tomorrow. I’d also like to get in a mani-pedi. Tonight I need to shave my legs, figuring that it may be difficult for a while.

I’m on my all day liquid diet in preparation of the “dreaded bowel prep”. This will be my third since May. At least this time I’m allowed Ensure nutrition drinks rather than being limited to clear liquids (chicken broth may make a great stock for soups but on it’s own doesn’t even come close to being filling or seeming like a meal). I can almost convince myself that the Ensure shake is good.

19 hours to go!

Stranger in a Strange Land

We’re definitely not in DC anymore. The first thing that hits you (and hits you hard) is the heat. It’s downright oppressive. 2pm and it’s 107 degrees! I don’t care if it’s “a dry heat”, it’s still 107 and it takes your breath away. The landscape is so very different. Basically, this is a desert and the flora and fauna reflect it, cactus and the like. They are beautiful in their own way but very different from the plants back east. Why did people decide this would be a good place to live? How did they survive without air conditioning, especially back when most of the clothes were woolen?!?

Michele just asked why we’re doing this now and not in September or October. This was the first date open after the fulfillment of my one year real life experience. I didn’t want to wait.

We spent the morning checking out the area. We took a test drive to the Greenbaum Surgery Center: 15.5 miles, 20 minutes. We tried to go inside and look around but the patient’s entrance was closed. We’ll have to find out tomorrow where there’s an entrance for off-hour visiting. Afterwards we went to Walmart. I found another dress, not as cute as the one we left at the cleaners but it was only $14. We also picked up a few things to make our stay easier: a different shower head, a shower organizer, a non-stick pan and plastic utensils, and various things we left at home or forgot to buy yesterday.

We ate lunch at Carlos O’Brien. I don’t get the Irish/Mexican name, but they make great food. Their chicken dishes are wonderful. I don’t know what they marinate it in but mmm, mmm, mmm.

After lunch we drove north to Cave Creek and stopped at the Town Dump, a store, not a real dump. The dump sells a queer assortment of pottery, furniture, object d’art, and the like. There was one room devoted to cattle skulls. If that's the decor you're shooting for, then this is your place. I picked up this cute Mexican pottery lizard for me and sun pendant for Michele.

We’re meeting Donna Rose for dinner. Back to the Cheesecake Factory. Apparently we will be joined by a friend of Donna who had her SRS last week, Becky Allison, Toby Meltzer, Linda Takata (from Meltzer’s office), and possibly a few others. It seems weird meeting my surgeon for dinner.

I have this fear that we’ll go to the pre-op and there will be some reason why he can’t operate now. The appointment is 9:30 am tomorrow. I can’t wait to get through it.

Daily Expenses
Walmart $92.52
Lunch $34.00
Groceries $14.87

Off to See the Wizard

The Wonderful Wizard of AZ

We made it. We’re in Scottsdale! Our day started at 4:15 EST; limo to the airport, 6:15; flight to Denver, 8:45; connecting flight to Phoenix, 11:35 MDT; arrive in AZ, 12:30 MST. Feeling totally wiped out. The entire flight between Denver and Phoenix I felt headachy, sweaty, upset stomach. I think the total lack of a normal eating schedule is punishing my body! Finally ate a real meal around 2:30, lunch at Cheesecake factory. Already been up for over 12 hours.

On all the flights I wore Bose Quiet Comfort 2 headphones. Their noise canceling function is great! I don’t know how people fly without them. The constant low frequency rumble of the airplane engines is one of the leading causes of travel fatigue.

Checked into the room around 3:30. Michele traded her week at Virginia Beach for a week at a timeshare in Scottsdale (the same place we stayed when we were here last October, courtesy of Merri’s daughter’s timeshare). A nice place, definitely better than a hotel. All I want is to soak in a cool tub of water. Problem: in Arizona in August, there’s no such thing as cold water! The best I can do is warmish water. Still, being only half covered and letting evaporation work it’s wonders, it’s good enough.

Right now I crave nothing more than some real quiet. The headphones helped on the airplanes, but the air conditioning fan in the car, the air conditioning in the room, there’s no real quiet to be had and I can’t take it anymore. So, headphones on, stretched out on the bed under the ceiling fan. Ah, quiet! Next thing I know, it’s 7PM and Michele is zonked out on the bed next to me. We drag ourselves out of bed, dress, and head off for grocery shopping. Been up for 17 hours.

Back home: unpack the groceries, finally eat the piece of cheesecake we brought home from lunch. Into bed about 10PM. Up for a total of about 21 hours straight.

Welcome to Scottsdale!

Expenses for the day:
Limo to airport $82.00
Snack on Plane $10.00
Wheel chair tip $5.00
McDonalds snack at DEN $6.17
Late Lunch $50.00
Groceries $94.10

Losing it!

Tomorrow we head to Scottsdale. We have a limo picking us up at 6:15 am to take us to the airport. It's crunch time and the little things are really starting to get to me; my coping skills are starting to fall apart. I had carefully planned it so that I'd have a nice, loose, summery dress to wear after my surgery. We never picked it up from the cleaners. It is almost bringing me to tears. I want to print out the instructions for my bowel prep but the printer won't print black and white because it's out of color ink. I'm ready to bite someone's head off! Arrgh!!! I have to regain some sense of calm or I'll spontaneously combust before Tuesday.




This interlude brought to you by P.M.S.

I just completely lost it over the dress. Crying like a baby! Now I've got no energy to do anything. I want to snack!

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

We leave for Arizona on Friday and the surgery is on Tuesday. After waiting 10 months it is practically here. Sometimes, when I realize how close it is, it takes my breathe away. No, I'm not having second thoughts, not questioning why. No, it's simply recognition of how much there is still to take care of, how much there is still to go through. Really, the last major tasks are packing and traveling. I keep remembering things that we need to take with us, things that I was told to bring, but I also keep trying to decide what can be left behind. While I can carry bags on the way there I need to assume that it's all on Michele on the way back. I think we'll try to ship back whatever we can do without right away upon return. We'll be out there 14 days but I'll be in the hospital for 9 of them so I don't need much clothes. What I do bring has to be forgiving to a tender abdomen: shirts dresses, loose shirts and baggy pants, a nightgown rather than pajamas with pants. Do I need sneakers or can I get away with just sandals? I want to say no sneakers but I don't know if we'll do any sight seeing on Sunday. Probably better to be safe and bring the sneakers. Yeah, I can always ship them home.

I've read so much about what is done during surgery, what normally happens on what day afterwards, what the facilities are like. Now, I need to experience it all for myself. How much will it hurt? Will I be up for out-of-the-hospital excursions? How bad is dilation? How long will I be out of work? How soon can I start exercising again? What will sex be like, will I be orgasmic? What's female orgasm like anyway?!? It's a whole new world of experience and at times it feels overwhelming. I'd rather deal with a reality that's not quite what I wanted than to have to wonder what will be. I hate this uncertainty! Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do but prepare and wait.

The Party's Over

I'd like to thank all my friends for the pre-SRS party they threw for me on Saturday. I was afraid that it might turn into a "Fred is Dead" kinda thing. Instead, it was a nice get-together with my closest friends. One of the most interesting parts was when each person was asked to tell some anecdote about me. When I was president of TGEA I knew that some people looked to me as a role model. It wasn't apparent to me until Saturday that so do some of my friends. Rachel got most emotional, as she told how for a while we used to seem to be progressing in parallel. However, the day I started hormones was the day she decided she would need to follow another path. It's a choice she says she's at peace with, but the thought of what she's given up sometimes overwhelms her. Several people mentioned things that I had forgotten. I was glad that the whole thing was a nice, warm moment rather than a "roast". I even got a few presents! The balloon in the picture was from Roxanne. It really made me laugh. I was also given some girlie underwear from Target with the interesting company name of "Fred is Red." Too cute.

Possibly the most interesting was a picture frame from Jenny. She put a picture in the frame that I couldn't figure out for a while. First I thought it was a picture from my recent colonoscopy and then I thought that it was a neovagina (this possibility really scared me because I couldn't really pick out the expected features). Finally, she told me that it was a picture of a clam, since she predicts that I will end up "happy as a clam."

I had some nice, intimate talks with some of my friends. Of the group, only Jenny is post-op. What surprised me from her is how much she downplays the whole experience. She had her surgery in Thailand and, by preference, made the trip alone (I was never prepared to do this alone!) She says she was going out shopping three days after surgery and that she never needed to sit on a doughnut. She also said that the main, 15 hour flight back was no big deal. Is she serious or is this something akin to what a mother experiences after childbirth, loss of negative details? I wonder if I may experience the same sort of selective memory. In my case, however, I will have Michele there to observe and record the truth. I hope that Jenny's version is truly accurate and that I have a similar experience!

I know that several of my friends wish it was them going now for surgery. Some have already made the conscious decision to forgo surgery. Others are still too unsure of where their journey will take them. I'm glad to have them all wishing me Bon Voyage!

Past, Present, and Future?

My friends are planning a pre-SRS party for me. I'm not sure if it is for the purpose of sending me off with well wishes or if it's to be a "Fred is Dead" sort of thing. If it's the latter, I feel it's a year too late. Last year, when I went full time, was when I felt a "Fred is Dead" party was appropriate. There I was, bagging up all of "his" clothes and hauling it to Goodwill in order to make room for "her" clothes. For me it was a time of turning a page in my book of life. As much as I want the surgery and I look forward to my post-op body I feel that going full time was more of a defining moment in my life. It was at that moment that I finally got to be who I knew myself to be, to be that person all day, every day. At that moment I stepped forward into the world, declared my presence, and was accepted as a woman. It was a bold, public event. In contrast, SRS is a private thing. For many, it affects only themselves. In my case it also affects Michele, hopefully for the benefit of us both. Going full time was "having your cake and eating it, too". SRS is the icing on the cake; an added benefit that makes everything else sweeter.

In actuality, Fred will always be with me. Fred is my past. Nicole is my present and future. While I don't want to return to that past, neither do I want to deny it. Fred will never die, but I think it's his turn to live in the closet.

The Great Unknown

Michele has just written an initial piece regarding her concerns about our post-op life. She wonders how it will all turn out: will I become more comfortable with myself, how will our intimacy change, will my outlook on things change? All that I can think is that everything is going to get better (am I being optimistic or naive?) I've reached a point where I'm comfortable with who I am and where I'm going. Unfortunately, I'm not yet as comfortable with my body. Having a penis means that I have a fear of "exposure", a fear that I might be "found out" to be something I don't appear to be. I "need" a vagina, the final membership card to the world of women. I figure it's a given that I'll become more confident in myself. I'm counting on it!

I think that Michele is worried about something that Rusty Lynn, a counselor, said at our last support group meeting. He said something to the idea that a person who is uncomfortable with her self is likely to still be uncomfortable after surgery. I think that he was talking about the need to work out life issues before surgery. GRS is definitely not a cure-all; an unhappy, poorly adjusted TS isn't miraculously going to know how to relate to other people or become a good parent. That sort of thing takes work, possibly years of therapy and counseling. A T* is doing himself a disservice to not work through this stuff before surgery. In fact, it's for this reason the Benjamin Standards exist. I've done my work. True, my breasts will still be smaller than I'd like and my shoulders are never going to get any narrower. My body image still needs some work.

What about intimacy? So far, it's been a bit frustrating. I don't really like thinking about, or using, my penis as a sexual organ anymore. Michele is a lesbian who had no experience with a penis. She's done her best to give me an enjoyable experience but it hasn't been easy for either of us. Following surgery I'll be anatomically more what she's used to but there's no guarantee that I'll respond in the same way as a genetic woman. I know I'm concerned about this. She must be, too. The bottom line is that we both love each other and want to work together to find mutually satisfactory solutions. That's what intimacy is all about.

Will my outlook change? I'm not sure what she's talking about here. We need to talk.

Just Add Hormones?

Humans are supposed to be able to alter their life's circumstances and live the life they've imagined. Are we really just slaves to our hormones? A little over two years ago I made the decision to start on hormones. It was not a simple choice to make. I had acknowledged that I'm transsexual but had not yet decided what to do about it. Hormones seemed the next "logical" next step. I'd always wanted the body that estrogen is supposed to make possible but I was uncomfortable with the powerful emotional effects that are attributed to it. As a person I saw as driven by logic I didn't really want to give over my emotional well-being to hormones. Even though I still had concerns I started hormone therapy anyway. Let's just say it ended up being a bumpy ride. My friends will tell you I became a bitch for a while and the hormones reeked havoc with my Meniere's syndrome. Eventually my body adjusted and it's become "business as usual".

At this point I've been off of estrogen for one week and I'm down to half my usual dose of spironolactone. I haven't noticed emotional changes (so far no PMS-like issues). However, this morning I asked Michele if it was hot in the kitchen or if it was just me. She answered "It must be a hot flash. Welcome to my world!" So, I'm not going to get away unscathed by estrogen withdrawal. Yes, the hormones are in charge. I hope this is as bad as it all gets!

Shopping List

On Friday I received a letter from one of Dr. Meltzer's nurses. It included prescriptions, a shopping list for OTC items, and instructions for pre-surgery, travel, packing etc.

Prescriptions:

• Cipro, a broad-spectrum antibiotic;
  
• Percocet, a "pain pill"

Over-the-counter items:

• Colace, a stool softener;
  
• Bacitracin, an antibiotic ointment for putting on sutures, etc;
  
• Acidophilus, for restoring proper gut and vaginal bacteria after wiping out the current crop with Cipro, etc;
  
• Arnica Montana, a homeopathy supplement that's reported to reduce swelling and bruising (I've already written about my thoughts on this);
  
• Rubber Doughnut, extra comfort for post-op sitting

Instructions and suggestions:

• Begin taking Arnica the day before surgery but do not take the day of surgery;
  
• Take Celebrex (should I have a prescription for this?) the morning of surgery with a small sip of water (all that I'm allowed that morning);
  
• Leave room in suitcase for returning home with dilators, a robe, and other supplies;
  
• Pack loose fitting clothing

In addition to all this, there are other items we'll buy out there such as maxi pads.

For the most part I wonder why some of this stuff can't be provided for us. I'm sure they can buy most of this at prices better than we can. Let them keep and reuse the robes if it means less pre-op shopping and planning for us.

Questions

A few days ago we realized we were missing some basic facts about what's ahead of us. Here are our questions and some answers:

How long does the surgery typically take?

"The surgery typically takes about 4.5 hours."

Does the Greenbaum Surgery Center have a cafeteria or will my spouse need to go out for meals?

They have a kitchen that feeds the patients. Guests can either bring their own food or go out to eat.

Are there specific visiting hours or will she be welcome all day?

There are no specific visiting hours. There are pull out beds and chairs for guests who wish to stay overnight.

Is there internet access in the patient rooms?

We are told that there is internet access in the patient rooms, but we’ve heard that it may be pretty slow.

The one that concerns me the most is internet access in the room. I've *GOT* to be able to check email and to blog! The backup plan is that I can save my writings as text and Michele can post them for me from our apartment. She can also download and transmit my email this way. Yes, I'll manage to stay in touch.

The one that most concerns Michele is the need to either bring her food or go out for meals. we'll have to scout out the options and possibilities once we are out there.

I’m glad for the liberal visitation policy and that guests may stay overnight. I know that Michele is planning to stay over the first night I'm there after surgery. It's quite comforting to know that my love will be there watching over me.

Why???

For a few weeks now I've been telling you all about myself and my plans for genital reconstruction surgery. However, I've never addressed the fundamental question "Why?" Why go through the expense, pain, and risk for something that is not medically necessary? Obviously, many never do. If you ask six T*s this question you are likely to get at least six reasons in return. I have many friends who absolutely abhor their penis, who refuse to look at it or touch it and refer to it as "the birth defect between my legs." I've never felt this way. For others, it's actually a matter of survival; life with a penis is not a life they want to endure. That's not my motivation, either. For me it's a question of body comfort and body image. I'm a woman, but I'm currently a woman with a penis. What's wrong with this picture? Some would say nothing, but for me, the penis has to go. I'm no longer comfortable with my body this way. I can't be comfortable as a woman with a penis. Right now I'm constantly worried that I'll be "found out." This is especially worrisome for me in the woman's bathroom, where a penis is about as welcome as a cat at the dog show. I'm sure that the surgery will improve this problem. I've been asked why I need a vagina if I don't want to have sex with men. That's so irrelevant! Besides, they obviously know nothing about lesbian sex and love-making. Bottom line, I'm a lesbian without a vagina! This just won't do. Luckily, my wait is almost over.

A Calm Before the Storm?

There's not much going on right now.

Over the course of the week I've been decreasing my estrogen so that I'll be completely off by 3 weeks before surgery. My last dose will be Monday. So far no PMS-like symptoms. I'm not sure when that would happen if it's going to happen. Supposedly the estrogen stays in your system for almost weeks after it's taken so it's hard to know when the effects of going off might kick in.

I'm a little paranoid that "something" might happen to disrupt the surgery: a cold, a rash, broken bone, wild fire, airline strike...

Michele has started filming me for a documentary. I asked if we'd be able to film at the surgery pre-op appointment but I was told no, for patient privacy reasons. When I asked about filming in my room after the surgery I was also told no, for the same reason. It was my understanding that the rooms were singles, so who's privacy could I violate? We'll bring the camera anyway and see what happens.

Colonoscopy Blues

I'm 44 and I just had my third colonoscopy. This saga started 3 years ago when I noticed some bloody stools. I got a referral to a gastroenterologist and he recommended a full colonoscopy. This was considered a high priority procedure, and yet I still had to wait over 6 weeks for an appointment. It was hard to remain calm while knowing I was facing a possibility of colon cancer. I don't know what you may have heard about colon preps but the prep is far worse than the actual procedure. The day before the procedure you can only consume "clear liquids". That's pretty much only fruit juices, soft drinks, jello, and broth, provided none contain red, orange, or purple dyes. Basically, you go hungry for a day. On top of that you then take drugs designed to flush out your colon. For my first prep I needed to take something called Phospho-Soda. It's a foul concoction of highly concentrated salt solution, nasty to drink. The second dose was even worse than the first because I knew what to expect. The flushing of the bowels basically feels like diarrhea, but mostly without the cramps, actually not so bad. The procedure itself is pretty easy. My first colonoscopy revealed hemorrhoids and a "diminutive polyp". The polyp was removed during the procedure and I was told to come back in three years for a repeat. That was this last May. This time the prep used something called Visicol, pills instead of a solution, definitely easier to take, although I ended up getting nauseous. The procedure found two polyps and the histology showed "high grade dysplasia", very unusual in a polyp that size. This precipitated today's procedure. My doctor wanted to be completely sure he got the entire polyps and that the area was healing properly. I'm glad to report that he was pleased with both and found no additional polyps. I do need to return in a year for another check. If that one is clear I get to go back to every 3 or 5 years. I guess I'm actually fortunate to have had the hemorrhoids; without the bleeding I would have had no reason for a colonoscopy before age 50. I do have another bowel prep in my immediate future as a prerequisite for the SRS. Not fun, but at least I know what to expect!