Business As Usual

It’s been a very uneventful week, pretty much business as usual. Dilation with big Max is getting easier, but is definitely not easy. Parting the PC muscle doesn’t feel too bad anymore, but advancing the dilator is uncomfortably. I’m pretty sure that Big Max is as large as I’ll ever go. I feel filled to capacity. One thing I’ve just noticed is that each time I step up a size I seem to be trading width for depth, almost 1/2 an inch with the step from 2 to 3 and another going from 3 to 4.

Treating my granulation tissue is a pain both figuratively and literally. I now call the pain “the ring of fire” as it’s a burning sensation surrounding my clit. The immediate, intense pain passes fairly quickly but is replaced by a lingering, duller pain that eventually makes my entire abdomen hurt. As I said before, this better work!

About a week ago Michele asked me something to the effect of when does it all feel like you, when do you stop looking in the mirror to see what things look like because you’re used to it (my counselor asked a related question wondering if I was accepting of the rest of my body). She wanted to know why I hadn’t written about this. I think the bottom line is that I’m not there yet. Dealing with this granulation tissue and wondering if/when/how it will heal up and also knowing that I have another surgery in January makes it impossible to know what the final me will be like. Add to that the still numb areas that may or may not improve and my “untested equipment” and it’s obvious that I’m just not there yet. I’m still a work in progress.