Where Does Gender Come From?

I found the poster for my last entry from the ProtoPage of my friend Andrea. It really resonated with me and I felt the immediate need to post it to my blog. For me it is one way to get your hooks into the issue of what is gender, where does it come from, and how does society police it (and police it it does!). Of course, if you are reading this blog, I'm probably preaching to the choir.

Anyhow, to continue this theme please consider "When I was a Boy" by Dar Williams.

Play Song

I won't forget when Peter Pan came to my house, took my hand
I said I was a boy; I'm glad he didn't check.
I learned to fly, I learned to fight
I lived a whole life in one night
We saved each other's lives out on the pirate's deck.

And I remember that night
When I'm leaving a late night with some friends
And I hear somebody tell me it's not safe,
someone should help me
I need to find a nice man to walk me home.

When I was a boy, I scared the pants off of my mom,
Climbed what I could climb upon
And I don't know how I survived,
I guess I knew the tricks that all boys knew.

And you can walk me home, but I was a boy, too.

I was a kid that you would like, just a small boy on her bike
Riding topless, yeah, I never cared who saw.
My neighbor come outside to say, "Get your shirt,"
I said "No way, it's the last time I'm not breaking any law."

And now I'm in this clothing store, and the signs say less is more
More that's tight means more to see, more for them, not more for me
That can't help me climb a tree in ten seconds flat

When I was a boy, See that picture? That was me
Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees
And I know things have gotta change,
They got pills to sell, they've got implants to put in,
they've got implants to remove

But I am not forgetting...that I was a boy too

And like the woods where I would creep, it's a secret I can keep
Except when I'm tired, 'cept when I'm being caught off guard
And I've had a lonesome awful day, the conversation finds its way
To catching fire-flies out in the backyard.

And I so tell the man I'm with about the other life I lived
And I say now you're top gun, I have lost and you have won
And he says, "Oh no, no, can't you see

When I was a girl, my mom and I we always talked
And I picked flowers everywhere that I walked.
And I could always cry, now even when I'm alone I seldom do
And I have lost some kindness
But I was a girl too.
And you were just like me, and I was just like you

---===---

I think that for at least 95% of the population the idea that there is a difference between sex and gender is hard to imagine. For the rest of us transgender folk, and possibly for the GLB community, it is impossible to escape. To my understanding "gender" is a societal construct, a set of "rules" that establish what is ok or forbidden for the two sexes. It touches everything from what you are allowed to wear, what occupations you are allowed to seek, how much emotion you are allowed to exhibit, who you are allowed to love, and a great host of other do's and don'ts. It changes through time and it differs between cultures. As great as the strides in civil rights has been over the last 30 or 40 years our country may be more polarized now than ever over issues of sex, gender, or sexual preference. The gender police, the great moralizers, the religious right are emboldened now like never before, with a virtual decree from our sitting government. Vote democratic!

While I doubt that a true easing or elimination of the gender laws would eliminate all gender dysphoria I'm sure we'd *all* be happier and more free to be ourselves.

Nipple Sensitivity

Going into the breast augmentation one of my concerns was the potential loss of nipple sensitivity. Following the surgery I woke to find clear tape covering my nipples and areolas with a circular hole that the centermost part of my nipples stuck through. We were instructed that five days after surgery we were to grab the end of the covered sutures and pull them out, leaving the tape in place until it fell off on its own. It wasn't falling off at all. As of yesterday the tape was still intact and I had very limited feeling through it. Last night we were instructed to remove the tape, too. I must say that things feel different now. I'm getting a lot more feeling but it's still limited and spotty. Overall the left nipple and breast are more sensitive. The overall sensation is a bit uncomfortable, a bit painful. Like everything else I suppose I need to wait at least 6 months before I know what's what.

Gender Subversion

FOR EVERY GIRL WHO IS TIRED
OF ACTING WEAK WHEN SHE IS
STRONG, THERE IS A BOY TIRED OF
APPEARING STRONG WHEN HE
FEELS VULNERABLE.

FOR EVERY
BOY WHO IS BURDENED WITH
THE CONSTANT EXPECTATION OF
KNOWING EVERYTHING, THERE
IS A GIRL TIRED OF PEOPLE NOT TRUSTING HER
INTELLIGENCE.

FOR EVERY GIRL WHO IS TIRED
OF BEING CALLED OVER-SENSITIVE, THERE IS
A BOY WHO FEARS TO BE GENTLE, TO WEEP.

FOR EVERY BOY FOR WHOM COMPETITION IS
THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE HIS MASCULINITY,
THERE IS A GIRL WHO IS CALLED UNFEMININE
WHEN SHE COMPETES.

FOR EVERY GIRL WHO
THROWS OUT HER E-Z-BAKE OVEN, THERE IS
A BOY WHO WISHES TO FIND ONE.

FOR EVERY
BOY STRUGGLING NOT TO LET ADVERTISING
DICTATE HIS DESIRES, THERE IS A GIRL FACING
THE AD INDUSTRY’S ATTACKS ON HER SELF-
ESTEEM.

FOR EVERY GIRL WHO TAKES A STEP
TOWARD HER LIBERATION, THERE IS A BOY WHO
FINDS THE WAY TO FREEDOM A LITTLE EASIER.


Adapted from a poem by Nancy R. Smith. CrimethInc. Gender Subversion Kit #69-B. Copies of this poster are availble individually and in bulk quantities from CrimethInc. Genders Anonymous / PO Box 1963 / Olympia WA 98507 or if waiting ain’t your thing, go to www.crimethinc.com.

Milestones

This may not sound like a big deal to you but on Thursday I was first able to lay on my side and on Friday night I was able to sleep on my side. :) I absolutely hate sleeping on my back and find it very hard to get comfortable. I wake up with my knees and hips hurting from having my legs splayed open. I need to be on my side in my comfortable semi-fetal position. Oh joy! There's still some discomfort in my breast this way and I need a pillow between my knees or below my top leg, but it's still nearly heaven.

The stitched area that creates my new hooding has pretty much healed. The edges of my labia are still swollen but mostly healed; I think all the tissue sloughing is done. The stitches through the labia are starting to tatter on the inside.

What a Difference a Breast Aug Makes

I was asked today for a picture of the "new me". While we've been taking "clinical" shots of my top and bottom I'm not yet ready to post those. Perhaps even I am too modest for that ;-) So, here's a shot to show you me "Then and Now".


I'm really starting to get into the idea of being *big*! I know that the final product will only get better, and smaller once the swelling goes down, but I can really get an idea about what it will be like and I like what I'm seeing.

Labia Improvements

When I left the hospital my labia were so grossly swollen and discolored that even I'm too modest to show the pictures. Thankfully, since then I've shown rapid improvement. Only a few days later the swelling had gone down and the color gone from almost black to dark red. As of yesterday there is only one area of dark red left but that area is now being sloughed off. It's a bit gross.

Overall, the labiaplasty was not very painful. I brought my inflatable donut with me to AZ but never needed it.

Post-lab dilation was really painful at first. I went without dilation for about three days and so decided I'd start back with the next smaller stent. I did have a little trouble getting even this in at first, but the big discomfort was from how the stent touched or stretched the edges of the labia and perineum. I also had discomfort from merely having to reach down there with my post-BA torso pain. Each discomfort has improved each day. I should probably start back to "Big Max" (or "Mr. Big" as Michele likes to call dilator #4. Yes, she's a fan of Sex in the City.)

400cc's!

While we were out in AZ we forgot to ask the simple question of how big my inserts are. I found out today that Dr M used 400cc implants in each breast. I was looking to go from "less than A" to something in the B cup range. I was expecting something like 250cc. Dr M says that I'll end up something like a large B or a small C. I guess I'll get used to this in time but the size of my implants goes a long way towards explaining why I'm so uncomfortable now. All that extra weight wants to shift every time I go from vertical to horizontal. I can feel it. I've gianed nearly 2 pounds from the inserts. My chest hurts from merely sitting still.

I had a bit of a crisis on Sunday when I tried on some clothes, trying to decide what to where to work on Monday. Even my loosest blouses are pulling at the buttons across the chest. Hopefully some of these will become wearable again as the swelling goes down or I'll have to replace almost my entire wardrobe! My best wardrobe option right now is sweaters. These are able to stretch to fit OK without looking stressed to the breaking point. While I don't want to start buying a new wardrobe to accommodate my swollen size I'm going to have to buy a few blouses to give me some more options and variety.

Although still swollen I am getting used to my new size. My breasts are too full at the top, with an obvious implant bulge, rather than a gradual, natural look I desire but they are nicely shaped. I think I'll like the final product.

Nobody at work has commented at all.

B2W-D1

Yesterday was my first day back to work. I felt pretty good in the morning but tired quickly in the afternoon. Most of the discomfort is from my breasts. I went home shortly before 3pm and had a 1.5 hour nap. I went to bed at 10pm and still feel tired and achy this morning. Today feels like it will be harder than yesterday. I think I'll work from home tomorrow.

Trying to Catch Up

I can't believe how out of it I was these last several days. I'm not sure I'll ever get it all sorted out and blogged about.

I barely remember any of my time at the Greenbaum Center after getting my "Margarita Cocktail" from the anesthesiologist. I definitely feel like I could have used a second day in the recovery center. We stopped back in on Friday to say hi to some of Meltzer's other patients. They all mentioned how out of it I was on Tuesday. I basically don't remember meeting anyone.

On Friday we went to the mall to replace Michele's broken suitcase. I tried to lower myself into a seat outside of Nordstrom's and pulled something behind my right breast. I can't believe how much it hurt. It's still bothering me some today, kinda a burning sensation.

The flight home yesterday was pretty uneventful, thank the goddess. It was nothing like the hellatious trip home after the vaginoplasty in September. My breasts were sore, especially the right one. Other than that, nothing much to blog about.

After the breast aug Dr M told us that the stiches in each breast were deliberately left unknotted so that we could slip them out five days after sugery. So, last night Michele grabbed the stitch end from under the tape on my areola and pulled. It was pretty much painless and a non-event. I've still got clear tape covering my areolas that is supposed to be allowed to fall off in its own time. My nipples are basically numb.

I must say that my breast basically look exactly like I *didn't* want them to look. They are huge, too high, and very fake looking. I don't know how long it will take for the swelling to diminish or how long before they fully settle down into place. I wonder hay many of my tops are going to have to be replaced? Chalk this up to a hidden cost of breast augmentation!

My labia are improving in appearance. In pictures from the 18th my labia were very swollen and very dark from pooled blood. The color is improving nicely, but the swelling lingers. Overall it looks and feels like a quilted canoe! With the swelling the labia bulge outwards where they meet. It's uncomfortable except when I'm laying down or padded by a sanitary napkin.

Oww!

I never expected the breast augmentation to be such a big deal, but it is. My torso really hurts and it hurts with almost every movement. I keep wanting to use my upper body to spare my bottom but it turns out that my top hurts much more than my bottom. I've heard it said that the labiaplasty hurts more than the vaginoplasty. I haven't really found that to be true because the breast aug trumps all. It is getting better each day but I still hurt and I need to be careful how I move. I couldn't get through the day without Michele. At least for me this isn't something to be done by yourself.

At this point my new breasts don't really feel like a part of me. They are so huge and firm that they feel really fake. I can't wait for the swelling to go down and for them to drop into their proper position!

Lost Days

Wow, I've been so out of it. Everything seems tougher this time. I basically remember nothing about Monday getting the "margarita cocktail" from the anesthesiologist. It didn't take effect quite as quickly as before because I remember them wheeling the gurney towards the OR. After that everything is pretty much a blank until early Tuesday morning when one of the nurses removed my foley catheter and unhooked me from the IV. Right after she left I had to call her back because I felt like I was laying in a puddle. It turns out that my ice bag had leaked all over the bed. Since I felt incapable of getting out of bed they had to change the linens by rolling me first to one side and then to the other. This really hurt! I vaguely remember filling out my breakfast request. It was hard to do anything but sleep. I don't remember it being this difficult last time.

My new boobs look huge and they are way too high. I feel like I have over inflated balloons stuck to my chest. My right side is very sore and shows moderate bruising. Almost all movement is painful.

I've hardly gotten a good look at my clit and vagina but what I've seen looks like raw meat, all dark and bruised. Luckily I'm not feeling much pain from down there.

Mt appetite is slowly returning. I hardly ate any breakfast but I did a pretty good job on lunch

And Away We Go!

We just got back from my pre-op consultation. It's so good to see Debbie, Linda, and Christa again. We also met new nurse Lindsey. She worked with Dr Meltzer when they were in Portland and is just now rejoining them in AZ. Dr Meltzer is still as friendly, outgoing, and talkative as ever. We had *many* questions which he patiently answered. Apparently my nipples are large enough for the areola route for insertion. I was surprised to find out that I will be allowed to shower tomorrow. The reason for no bra for 3 months is to let the implant settle into the proper position.

We head to the surgery center in about 30 minutes. I'm feeling good, but hungry.

The Day Before

After breakfast we went to the Desert Botanical Gardens. We ended up spending about 2.5 hours, me ambling along, Michele riding a scooter, looking at all of the plants and playing with my Digital Rebel XT camera. 110 pictures later the battery ran out and we headed off to a late lunch at Carlsbad Tavern. We ate there last year after my SRS. We endeed up sitting outside which which was nice, but it got a bit cool and there were Palo Verde leaves falling all over everything, including the food.

It's really amazing the difference in 4.5 months. Back in August/September we would have never been outside doing anything between 11 and 2. Now, I had a jacket on for all but a brief time around 1pm. The hostess at breakfast said that here they consider those months to be their "winter", the time to stay indoors.

We're sitting here watching "24", then it's off for some dinner. It's now 16.5 hours until surgery.

Travelog

Yesterday's trip was not the best we've ever had. The flight was late taking off but we made up the time enroute. Once there we waited a long while for someone to wheelchair Michele to the baggage claim area. The place was crazy and there was no sight of our flight's baggage. I took a walk around looking for it and when I got back Michele was upset because the pull handle broke off of her rollaboard. While I waited for the baggage Michele got the rental car taken care of. Instead of the midsized we'd reserved we ended up with a Chrysler Pacifica. What a boat, but pretty cushy. Then outside to catch thr van to the car. Within 2 minutes I saw the van coming. However, it went right past without seeing me try to wave it over. The vans are supposed to go by every 7 minutes, but we waited 25 minutes for another. By the time we got the car and got to the hotel it was going on 19:30 MST. We left our place about 10 hours earlier. Needless to say, we were beyond hungry. We got to a nearby restaurant 25 minutes before it was to close. It hardly matters what we ate. Back to the hotel and into bed.

On the Road Again

This is just too cool. I'm sitting in the United Red Carpet Club (cool) typing on Michele's laptop with a Verizon wireless air card (way cool). Blogging on the go!

We're about 30 minutes from boarding for a 4:45 flight non-stop to Phoenix. It's about a 5 hour flight. We're supplied with our own snacks because you can't count on the airlines for much anymore. When did airflight get like this? Is this the result of deregulation in the 70's? Progress? I don't think so.

Anyway, the counter says that my surgery is less than 48 hours away. Now that I'm sitting in the airport I've calmed down quite a bit. I guess I'll be fine until Monday when all of the surgery anxiety can start again. I hope the flight is uneventful.

TTFN

Getting Nervous

We leave tomorrow for AZ and I'm getting nervous. My anxieties fall into two general categories: travel prep/the travel itself and the unknowns regarding post-op general wellbeing.

Travel:
It's the usual things: what to take/what I can get by without, what am I forgetting, getting to the airport, getting through security, getting into the air

Post-op:
How much pain will there be, how long will I be essentailly confined to bed, will I be able to do some day trips and sightseeing, how much will I be able to lift, how uncomfortable will the trip home be?

Many of the post-op questions impact the packing questions. If I'm OK for day trips then I want to take my new Digital Rebel XT SLR camera. However, it's quite a bit larger and heavier than my old camera and has extra lenses and filters and I wonder if I'll be able to carry the stuff and if it should be packed for the trip.

I've heard lots of conflicting stuff about the post-op pain. Some accounts say that the labiaplasty is more painful than the vaginoplasty. Knowing how invasive the VP is it's hard to believe this as possible. In regards to the breast augmentation a friend said that it felt like getting hit across the chest with a baseball bat but that this feeling only lasted for two days. I know that I'm supposed to limit my lifting afterwards but how much will be possible? After the VP I was able to pull a roll-aboard suitcase. What about after the BA? Again, this impacts the packing.

For me uncertainty is always the worst feeling. I can deal with a situation as long as I know what the situation is. I hate this not knowing!

Mixed Mind and Magical Moments

We leave for AZ on Saturday and the surgery is less than one week away. I'm moving forward with mixed feelings. On the one hand I hate the idea of more surgery now. On the other hand I can't wait to be done with all of this. I feel like an unfinished project and know that I need to get this behind me now. In other words, I'm nervous but I can't wait.

There really is no one specific time at which transition ends but many view SRS as this magical moment, the moment at which their whole life will change for the better. True, surgery was very important to me, and this next surgery is also important, but the real magic happened when I went full time. Going full allowed me to finally live life as I know I must, as the woman I know myself to be. It was a life changing event, a very public event which affected both my self and those around me. Surgery is a private event, done out of view. Personally, I've had the confidence to transition without really changing anything else in my life but the presence of that penis haunted me in bathrooms and locker rooms and worried me about what might happen in an emergency situation. SRS has given me the increased confidence to go anywhere and do anything I desire without fear of "detection".

None of these positive effects are possible without doing the work to set it up. Most of us suffer from some sort of social malady due to our gender dysphoria. If you are poorly socialized before surgery you will likely still be poorly socialized after surgery unless you do something to understand your situation and make a positive change. Surgery is no magic bullet. Years of counseling helped get me to where I am today.

Before closing this I must mention the other magical moment in my life: when I met Michele and fell in love. I was committed to transition and surgery before I met Michele but she has been my companion on this part of my journey and has given it special meaning. All along she has been more accepting of my physical status than I, letting me know that I didn't need to do anything out of concern for her acceptance, and accepting my decisions. I would have managed to get through all of this without her but it has been so much better with her.

Preparations

We leave for AZ one week from today. Pray for good flying weather. No snowstorms!

The flights have had a few schedule adjustments but nothing to get concerned about. The hotel is verified. I bought more Arnica montana and some acidophilus. I've still got Bacitracin left from August. I've got maxi pads, bought back in September, that I didn't need then but will be perfect now. We bought some oversized long sleeve t-shirts that, hopefully, will be comfortable to wear over tender breasts.

There are still unanswered questions about the breast augmentation:

round vs shaped implants:
I think I favor the shaped implants as I think they look more natural, without that telltale round bulge at the top of the breast. I hope he offers this.

over the muscle vs under the muscle:
under the muscle is supposed to create a more natural appearance, wrinkles in the implant are less noticeable, it's less likely to be felt by Michele, and interfers less with mammography. However, I've read that they move around more when the pectoral muscle is used. That seems just too weird and I can't help wonder what would happen when I rock climb.

incision site:
Dr M's favorite site is at the edge of the areola. It gives him good access to the site and scars here tend to be less noticeable. However, I have small areola and I'm not sure he can get the minimum 1.5 inch incision he needs. If we need to go to plan b I think I favor the incision below the breast.

Complication!

About a week ago I noticed a new red area on one side of my clitoris. Yep, it seems I have more granulation tissue. As little as I like it I knew I had to do the silver nitrate treatment again. I did one over the weekend and then emailed Meltzer's office on Tuesday with pictures. The good doctor agreed that it was granulation tissue and that I was right to start treating it again. I was instructed to do it twice more before surgery with the last time being on the 12th. For some reason it's not hurting as much this time; quite tolerable. My main concern was that this might mess up my ability to have the surgery now. Thankfully it won't be a problem.

Change in SOP

For my vaginoplasty, a few weeks before the surgery date I received a letter with all of my prescriptions to be filled and a list of OTC items to be purchased. This week I'm less than two weeks from my next surgery and hadn't received anything. I sent an email to Meltzer's office and was told that they changed the procedure. For the vaginoplasty they give you the prescriptions and OTCs when you arrive for the pre-op appointment. I asked how I'm supposed to get them filled between my 9:30am pre-op appointment and my arrival at the surgery center at 12:30. Apparently I won't need any of the prescription drugs until after I exit the recovery center. So, the drill is to drop off the prescriptions after pre-op and then get them picked up the next day.

Counting The Days

I like to look at the "day counters" on this blog; they help to remind me where I've been and where I'm going. Today: 124 days since vaginoplasty; 4 months. The big significance of this is that now I'm supposed to be able to get by with once-a-day dilation. As freeing as twice-a-day dilation was as compared to three-times-a-day, once-a-day is going to be even better. I seem to have a way of letting things create unsolvable dilemmas for me. It was that way with expression of my new-found femininity and rock climbing and it has been this way for me with dilation and resuming my bike riding. The morning dilation was occupying my morning workout time and I just couldn't get enthusiastic about rising at 5am to do both. Now, I'm free once more to exercise in the morning with dilation pushed off for between work and bedtime. Finally I'll be able to attack the weight that's crept on since August and get comfortably back into my slacks. Yeah!

Also today: 14 days (actually, almost 15 days) until my labiaplasty and breast augmentation. We fly back to AZ on the 14th with surgery scheduled for the afternoon of the 16th. I'm not really looking forward to more surgery but I'm anxious to have it all over. I've heard many pros and cons about having the vag and lab surgery closely together or further apart in time. For me closer is the way to go. At present I feel like an unfinished project. I want to get this stuff finished and be able to move forward. Sure, I'm still not fully healed from August, there's still quite a bit of numbness, but at this point it would be hard to make it worse. Six months from now it should all be over and healed and I'll know what's what. On the down side it does mean taking a break from discovering my new capacities for pleasure. I've had some breakthroughs and some disappointments. I'll be "off limits" again while my labia heal. The breast aug is a whole new frontier with its own concerns. I'm concerned about loss of nipple sensitivity and I'm concerned with ending up too big. I'm also amazed by the mention in my pre-op paperwork that I'm supposed to go without a bra for 3 months following surgery. I really can't comprehend this as I pretty much figured I'd need increased support during the healing. Even now with my little breasts it can be uncomfortable to go without a bra. I can't imagine what it will be like after augmentation. Ouch?