Countdown to Surgery & Life after Surgery

Year-end Review

2007-01-02T22:44:00.000-05:00

Obviously it's been a very long time since I last posted anything to my blog. Basically, things have settled down to "normal" and I've moved on with life. I'm going to do a year-end wrap up and then post additional updates at some limited periods.

Tour de Cure
My American Diabetes Tour de Cure ride was a wonderful experience. I raised over $2100 and biked further than I had ever done (25 miles). I've since gotten really into biking, bought a new road bike and logged more than 900 miles since September. This year I'll be riding the 50 mile event. I'd really appreciate your financial support for this worthy cause. If you've received any value from reading my blog or website, please consider repaying this through a donation.

Urinary Tract Infections
I had three or four urinary tract infections during a three month period and went to see my urologist. When he examined me he told me that if he didn't know my history he never would had guessed that my vagina was not natural. Dr Meltzer is the best! Anyhow...he determined that I wasn't completely emptying my bladder and scheduled me for a cystoscopy (endoscopic examination of the urethra and bladder). This showed that my prostate was constricting my urethra, causing my lousy urine stream, the trouble emptying my bladder, and it's associated frequency of urination. I'm now taking a drug for benign prostatic enlargement that relaxed the muscles of the prostate. It's working pretty well. No more UTIs (knock on wood) and the frequent need for urination is greatly reduced. It's so ironic that I can have a prostate that's shriveled up to almost nothing and need to use a drug for BPH. I guess it's just a reminder that underneath it all my anatomy is still male.

Of Support Groups and Friendships
Back in the Spring I was elected to the governing board of my transgender support group. After 1.5 terms as membership director, 2 terms as president, and 2 terms as a civilian, I really had no interest in rejoining the board. However, I was flattered to be asked and was fairly easily talked into it. Not long after taking office I became increasingly appalled by the behavior of some of the other officers and subsequently quit in September, as did three other officers. As a result I no longer attend meetings and none of my friends talk to me anymore. This is quite unfortunate and unexpected. Maybe our friendships were more superficial than I thought. Maybe I didn't know them like I thought I did.

Friends and Their Surgeries
One friend had surgery with Dr Melter in July. Her surgery went well but subsequently she's been having lots of problems with blood clots, bleeding, poor healing, and depression. I know that she does not regret having the surgery but she certainly didn't expect any of the problems. Hopefully she'll be able to get her anti-clotting meds and hormones worked out and get to a state of increased peace.

Another friend was scheduled for surgery with Dr Meltzer in October but has postponed the surgery while she tries to refind her direction. Apparently, as the surgery got close she started rethinking her reasons for wanting surgery. Lately she's been on a new journey to find herself and define her needs. I wish her well.

Triathlon
Some of my family think that I've gone completely crazy because I've decided that I will do a triathlon in August. No, not like the Ironman Triathlons you may have seen on TV. This one is called the Iron Girl Triathlon and consists of a 1000m swim, 17.5 mile bike ride, and a 3.3 mile run. Why? Because I enjoy challenging myself, breaking out of doing only what's easy and expected. It's a continuation of what I found in myself when I was rock climbing. I've got the biking covered, and the running is coming along, but the swim will be the hard part. I discovered that I really don't swim well, and so, I have a trainer helping me to become a swimmer.

Life and Death
My father died on Friday December 8, 2006. He was 75 and had a heart attack either during or shortly following surgery to remove his cancerous bladder. His condition deteriorated over the course of about 3 days. He didn't want to be kept alive by machines and we had his respirator removed when it became obvious that death was near and certain. Making that decision was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I Left My Stent in San Francisco

2006-06-15T13:14:00.000-05:00

Actually, it was Albany, New York, but that doesn't have the same cachet. Anyhow, I was in a hotel in Albany for my Tour de Cure ride and stashed my dilator and equipment in the night stand drawer after use and then forgot all about them. I didn't realize what I had done until I was home and was preparing for my next session. I suddenly hit me that I hadn't packed it. Oh the horror! Luckily, I was only traveling with #3 and could use the next smaller one. It took about 4 separate calls to the hotel before we were able to get them to look in the night stand for it. Apparently the night people don't talk to the day people and nobody is very good at talking with the cleaning staff. Thank goodness they finally got their act together, found the dilator, and sent it on its way back home.

Bike Training/Accident

2006-05-24T11:45:00.000-05:00

My bike riding and training schedule has consisted of riding 10 miles a day, each weekday morning, indoors on a training stand. With the 25 mile Diabetes ride coming up I know I should get out and do at least one 20 mile ride. With this in mind I headed out a week ago last Saturday with Brooke and Andrea for a 20 mile ride on the Mount Vernon Trail. Unfortunately, we had to cut the ride short after the crash. Yes, the crash. We were on a part of the trail where a wooden path takes a curve through the woods and goes over a stream. It appears to stay in the shade all the time so the wood was damp. A guy was coming the other direction way too fast, lost the back of his bike, and went sliding right into Brooke's path. She hit him straight on and went over the handlebars and into the railing, almost falling over into the stream. She ended up with a nasty cut right next to her right eye. When I saw what was happening I hit the brakes so hard that I also lost the rear of my bike and went down on my left knee (it's scraped and bruised but otherwise OK). We turned around and headed to a bike shop for a bandaid and then back home. We convinced Brooke that she needed more than a few butterfly bandages so she went off to the emergency room, refusing to allow anyone to go with her. Four hours later she was back, sporting 7 stitches and ugly bruising, but otherwise in good spirits. We're going to try another ride this weekend.

Last weekend I rode in a small, local event called "Joe's Ride". It's named in memory of a little boy that died of brain cancer. All proceeds go to supporting various childhood disease and care groups. I had decided to do this ride before I decided to do the Tour de Cure and signed up for their 10 kilometer ride. Their only other distance is a 45K ride, more than I want to do, especially at my current level of training. The ride was pretty uneventful and not very challenging. However, we were forced to ride single file on sidewalks and trails meaning that your pace was dictated by the person in front of you. With many children and casual riders involved I was forced to do much of the ride at a pace slower than my liking. There were a few places where I did pass some in front of me and I finished the ride in the front group of 6. While I would have preferred something like a 20k the ride did give me some experience with riding in groups and with the whole cycling event thing.

The Dreaded UTI

2006-05-17T13:58:00.000-05:00

On April 21 I had routine bloodwork and urinalysis done for an upcoming checkup. The following Wednesday I was contacted by my doctor's office telling me I had a urinary tract infection and that they were calling in a prescription for me. I had noticed on Monday or Tuesday a burning sensation just as I would finish peeing. The idea of UTI did flash through my brain so the call on Wednesday made sense. After 10 days on Augmentin (plus a weekend) I went back for another urinalysis. Several days later I was told I had another UTI, this time Pseudomonas, not the Klebsiella from the first one. This time I have had not any typical UTI symptoms and question that I actually have an infection. Since I rarely form a really good urine stream I'm probably not getting a good midstream clean capture. More than likely some of the urine had run off my leg before ending up in the cup. Thus, my "infection" could be due to culture of bacteria that are external contaminants. If I don't come up clean after this round of antibiotics I may have to insist on catheter capture of the urine sample. Goodness knows it's not healthy to be on antibiotics long term.

Diabetes Tour de Cure

2006-04-25T15:19:00.000-05:00

Back in 2003 when I "quit" rock climbing I went looking for a new outlet for my athletic energies. I tried ice skating but the torn ligament in my thumb and the scar on my head convinced me that this was not a safe activity for me. I finally found my way to bike riding. Up until now I've done all of my riding on a trainer stand in my basement, in front of the television. I am now determined to get out on the road and start participating in a few rides. My first ride will be a little, local event called "Joe's Ride", a 10k to benefit a local cancer fund. After that I have my sights set on the American Diabetes Association Tour de Cure ride. I will be joining my cousin's team and riding with the Delmar Chain Gang in Stillwater, NY on Sunday June 11. This ride has special meaning for me since both of my parents, and several other relatives, are diabetic and I am likely prediabetic. Perhaps you'd be willing to sponsor me. If so, please go to my personal tour web page. Your support will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, Nicole

More information on the American Diabetes Association, its programs and diabetes in general can be found at the Association's Web site: www.diabetes.org

For more information on Tour de Cure, please visit www.diabetes.org/tour.

Click here to view the team page for Delmar Chain Gang

Bra Shopping

2006-04-19T09:44:00.000-05:00

Saturday April 15: Bra Day!

I decided to do without a "professional" bra fitting, figuring that I know pretty well what I need. With the variation between brands and styles there's no one right bra size anyway. After trying on many styles it seems that I can fit a 38B, 38C, or 40B, with none of these being consistently better than another. I ended up buying two 40B's. I fill them out pretty well. Overall I'm just a little bit bigger than what I used to pad to. Thankfully, there are only a few blouses that no longer fit. Unfortunately, some of my favorites are in this group. At least I didn't need a whole new wardrobe.

After three weeks without a bra it definitely felt weird to be wearing one again. I was no longer used to the straps and the weight on them. Now, after a few days it feels normal again.

After all the concerns about proper breast size and the like I am quite happy with the results.

Climbing High

2006-04-12T09:59:00.000-05:00

After 4 months off I've returned to rock climbing, the first time since my breast augmentation. Knowing how weak, and sometimes uncomfortable, my pectoral muscles are I expected a fustrating, short night. I started off very low intensity and felt better than expected. This prompted me to keep increasing the difficulty/intensity level. Back before hormones and transition I used to climb comfortably at 5.10. After hormones, transition, and 20 months off I returned to climbing, able to comfortably climb in the 5.7-5.8 range. I had improved to being able to climb some 5.9's when I quit again for my surgeries. Yesterday the hardest I attempted was 5.7. I am far weaker than ever but not as bad as I thought I might be and the pecs didn't feel as uncomfortable as I anticipated, a pleasant surprise. My arms and legs are really sore today and I skipped my morning bike ride. I'll get back to that tomorrow. I plan to climb again next week. This would be the first time I've climbed on consecutive weeks in several years. It feels great to be climbing again!

Suture No More

2006-04-07T14:22:00.000-05:00

After a trip to my PCP and her scrambled attempt to find a "family friendly" surgeon, in the end it was time that fixed my suture problem. On Sunday, about 11 days after it surfaced, the suture came out on its own. No muss, no fuss, no surgery, no pain. Hurrah for small miracles. Although I don't know if they are related, at the same time my granuloma has gone away. My breasts are looking pretty natural, too. I finally feel healed. I finally feel DONE!

This coming weekend will be 3 months since the BA. This means that I am OK to start wearing a bra. In anticipation of this I went through all of the bras I used to wear when I padded. Most of them were 38B with an occasional 40B. A few were too big and a few were too tight; it looks like I'm something around a 38B. All the last 3 months I've been lamenting that Dr M made me too big. It looks like he knew what he was doing.

Complications Continue

2006-03-22T09:42:00.000-05:00

Since my infection, and since my checkup with my GP, I've had a red mass next to my clitoris. I sent pictures to Dr M's office and was told that I have a "suture granuloma". This means that my body has rejected one of the sutures and is trying to push it out. I'm told that once the suture surfaces, and is removed, all will resolve with no lingering effects. I'm supposed to apply warm compresses 3-4 times daily. At best I usually manage it only twice a day. So, 3 weeks later, the granuloma persists. Today, while checking everything out, I discovered what seems to be a suture poking out in the area of the new hooding above my clit. I don't know if it's involved with the granuloma as I don't know where its other end is. Right now it's a bit too painful to pull the thing out. This may require medical intervention!

On the top front my breasts are looking better, more natural, and starting to show more bounce and jiggle. A few more weeks and I can shop for new bras. Yeah!

I made good on my promise to restart exercising. I'm back on my exercise bike every weekday morning. After three weeks I'm just now starting see an effect on my weight.

Six Months?

2006-03-01T14:24:00.000-05:00

Going by the day counter I just passed my half-year vaginoplasty anniversary. However, since February doesn't have a 30th I'm not sure when the six-month anniversary happens. In any case, the time has seemed to fly by. So much has happened, but in many ways very little has really happened. Truly, vaginoplasty is a huge step in the life of a transgirl but it's only one step of many and certainly not an end point. The step of going full time, for me, will always be the most important step, the day I was able to start living life on my terms, as the me I know myself to be. Going full time was a public event: memos were sent out, an information meeting was held, new identification was generated; everyone knew. Vaginoplasty was a private event; I never told anyone directly what I was doing. I was operated on, recuperated for several weeks, and then returned to work. Life went on. Birthdays were celebrated. The holidays came and went. I continued healing. Six weeks ago I had my labiaplasty and breast augmentation and started the healing process all over again, this time hurting both on top and on bottom. Again, I kept this quiet. Basically, I'm really glad to have all of this in the past. With these out of the way, from here on out it's just life.

Out Damn Spot

2006-02-24T11:29:00.000-05:00

After 10 days on Cipro and sitz baths my labia surgery site infection seems completely resolved and I seem to have stopped spotting blood! Yea!!! Now, back to normal healing. While a few spots on my labia have smoothed out to a natural look most areas are still thickened and raised. The vertical incision above the hood is completely healed but still thick and stiff. Like everything else I imagine I need to allow at least 6 months for all of this to resolve.

My breasts are getting softer, bouncier, and more natural looking all the time. They are still a bit too full at the top, without a natural slope. I hope that this, too, will improve.

I really need to restart my exercising. When I left for my vaginoplasty in August I was about 150 pounds. Right now I'm about 162 pounds. Many of my slacks and jeans are too tight for comfort. I feel thick. Now that my labia are better I'm ready to restart the bike riding. Monday is the day! I've started trying to do some stomach crunches and am surprised to find how much I feel it in my breasts. It's a strange and uncomfortable feeling. It feels like a tightness across my chest, like a belt has been tightening right across my boobs. I think that may be me feeling where the pectoral muscle ends and the bare implant begins. If it feels this strange and uncomfortable from stomach crunches I can't imagine what it will feel like when I restart rock climbing. I hope it's tolerable. I'm scared that the breast aug may kill my climbing in a way that the hormones and muscle loss didn't. I'm not sure it's a reasonable price to pay for my vanity and sense of self.

Transamerica

2006-02-21T15:02:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Michele and I finally saw Transamerica. We kept waiting, hoping it would come to a theater near us. It didn't. We traveled 23 miles each way to see it. It was good, really good, and Felicity Huffman was outstanding. I'm sure it was controversial to cast a woman in the part but she makes it very believable that she's a pre-op F2M.

There are quibbles to be made about authenticity but I feel they are pretty minor in the big picture and actually help to impart some knowledge about the process: Bree, while only 2 weeks away from SRS, doesn't yet have her two psych letters and her main counselor holds the letter hostage until Bree deals with her son. Also, in the real SRS world she'd be off estrogen at this point.

Probably the best thing about the film is that it presents the subject of transsexualism without sensationalism or preaching. It's the main subject of the film but it's presented and intertwined with the story of the main characters, Bree and Toby, getting to know themselves as they drop their guards while getting to know each other. The movie rightly (IMHO) puts the emphasis on the personal change, the process of self understanding, rather than on the physical change, the SRS operation. Many have knocked the movie because of the way it turns into a "travel movie". Perhaps the cross country journey is a plot device too often employed but their physical journey parallels the personal journey towards self understanding and acceptance that each character makes.

I was quite impressed that 30 or so people came out to see this movie but I wonder if they really knew what it was about. There's a pivotal scene where Toby learns Bree's secret when Bree's penis gets exposed. Someone in the audience audibly gasped at that! Although Bree is played by a woman didn't they understand that the character of Bree still had a penis?

When the movie was over I felt like I should stand up and ask if there were any questions. I didn't. Perhaps an opportunity missed.

Vast Improvement

2006-02-17T12:04:00.000-05:00

I started on Cipro on Tuesday evening and started the sitz baths on Wednesday morning. By Thursday morning my labia looked far better. The swelling had reduced and there was decreased discharge. I had a checkup with my primary care physician and she was encouraged by what she saw. She was especially concerned that I could develope areas of abscess which would require treatment. Luckily, that's not the case. Even with the improvement I'm finding it uncomfortable to sit. Yesterday I ended up leaving work early because I was just too uncomfortable. I headed home so that I'd be able to get in 4 sitz treatment (rather than the two per day I'd been doing), recline instead of sitting upright, and spend some hours without underware. It was my hopes that one day of treating my bottom especially well would go a long way towards allowing me to get through the next day at work. So far today the discomfort is about the same but I've managed to adjust my chair and monitor to allow me a more reclined position, better on my bottom but not so great on my neck.

Valentine's Day...or Thanksgiving?

2006-02-15T13:41:00.000-05:00

Twice yesterday Michele accidentally said "Happy Thanksgiving!" I've teased her about it since, but ultimately, isn't Valentine's Day all about showing your special love just how much they mean to you, how much you want to thank them for being a part of your life? Sounds like she had it right!

From Blood to Worse

2006-02-14T15:57:00.000-05:00

OK, I have an infection in my labia. For a few days now my labia have been tender and as of yesterday I have areas of swelling. Today I've got pus.

I sent pictures and a description of my problems to Dr Meltzer's office and later called. I was called back by a Dr Jennifer Shaw. She told me I have an infection. She recommends sitz baths 3-4 times a day (or treatment with warm compresses in lieu of a sitz bath) and has prescribed a 10-day course of Cipro.

I am so anxious to get back to exercising and this is one obstacle standing in my way. I can't wait for all of this to clear up!

Snow Day

2006-02-12T22:08:00.000-05:00

The Washington DC area went from almost spring-like weather to a winter snowstorm. I measured 11 inches on the patio and some nearby areas supposedly got around 24 inches. Our condo association contracts for snow removal but you never know when they'll actually arrive. So, I headed outside with shovel in hand to dig my way down the walkway and out to shovel around the cars and clean them off. I quickly discovered that whatever I had pulled in my chest the other day was going to trouble me in shoveling. However, using a smaller, lighter shovel and taking smaller loads I was able to do what needed to be done.

While pushing the snow off of my car I broke the driver's side wiper blade, so we had to head out in Michele's car looking for a replacement. Luckily I found some at our first stop.

Roads were not bad. The plow crews did a great job and temperatures into the mid 30's allowed the roads to even dry off.

All in all it was a very pretty snowstorm, with snow that clung to the trees in pictoresque ways. Unfortunately this also created many power outages due to downed power lines.

School has already been cancelled for tomorrow. My kids are ecstatic.

Going into my surgeries I was afraid that something, like a snow storm, would mess up our travel and upset the surgery plans. I'm so glad that I got both surgeries done without these problems. It must be hell scheduling winter surgery with Dr Schrang!

Another Possibility

2006-02-12T21:28:00.000-05:00

On Friday I spoke with Lindsay from Dr Meltzer's office. I had sent them an email asking about my labial bleeding. She said that she thinks it is unrelated to my resumed aspirin use. Rather, she said that at about 3 weeks or so after surgery the clotted up blood and stuff that's trapped inside starts liquifying and seeks a way out. In any case, I'm supposed to keep using the bacitracin, watch for infection, and let them know if it gets any worse.

Perhaps a Connection?

2006-02-10T14:24:00.000-05:00

It's well known that taking estrogen can cause blood clots. So, to help counteract this, I take 81mg of aspirin daily. As a prerequisite to LAB and BA I went off of the aspirin 3 weeks before surgery. I restarted the aspirin 3 weeks after surgery. The labial bleeding started right around this same time. Unfortunately, I can't exactly remember which occurred first so I can't really reach a cause-and-effect conclusion. However, aspirin can certainly cause bleeding and I'm bleeding. It definitely seems prudent to stop the aspirin for a while and see what happens.

Big Max is Dead, Long Live Trey

2006-02-10T09:45:00.000-05:00

I never really felt comfortable dilating with dilator #4, "Big Max". It always felt like it was stretching me too much inside. Still, I used it because I thought I was supposed to. After the labiaplasty-required hiatus from dilating I started back in with dilator #3, "Trey". After a few days I went back to #4 but it was even more uncomfortable than before. I got to thinking "Why bother, why put up with the discomfort?" Since I don't really need that extra 1/8 inch diameter I decided to give up with Big Max and do what feels better. Long live Trey!

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

2006-02-09T12:47:00.000-05:00

Perhaps that should be "Two Breasts Forward..."

The last week has been mostly uneventful, with nothing much to comment on. However, things are not quite so great right now. For the last few days I've had bleeding from my labia and my breast are more painful again.

When I look "down below" it's not terribly obvious where the bleeding is coming from. Most of my sutures are now gone or falling out so some of the bleeding may be related to that. Things that were previously tied together are now more subject to pulling and stretching and this could be causing bleeding. Otherwise, nothing looks infected and the swelling continues to improve. I probably shouldn't be overly concerned but it is alarming.

My right breast is still tender on the outside where I pulled something while still in AZ. The left breast is tender on the inside since yesterday. Somehow I hurt it while pressing closed the pull top on my sitz bottle. Now it hurts to do my breast massage exercises and its tender when I lay on my side. Otherwise, the implants seem to have mostly settled down into place and the swelling is improving (on Tuesday I was able to wear a blouse that was too tight when I tried it on two weeks ago). They still don't look terribly natural as they are still too full towards the top and they are still quite tight. No jiggle here yet!

The sensitivity of my breasts is uneven. I have areas across my breasts and areola of greater and lesser feeling but no areas that are completely numb. Most areas are no where near 100%. Overall my left breast has better feeling than my right breast with my right areola being mostly dull.

Where Does Gender Come From?

2006-01-31T22:47:00.000-05:00

I found the poster for my last entry from the ProtoPage of my friend Andrea. It really resonated with me and I felt the immediate need to post it to my blog. For me it is one way to get your hooks into the issue of what is gender, where does it come from, and how does society police it (and police it it does!). Of course, if you are reading this blog, I'm probably preaching to the choir.

Anyhow, to continue this theme please consider "When I was a Boy" by Dar Williams.

Play Song

I won't forget when Peter Pan came to my house, took my hand
I said I was a boy; I'm glad he didn't check.
I learned to fly, I learned to fight
I lived a whole life in one night
We saved each other's lives out on the pirate's deck.

And I remember that night
When I'm leaving a late night with some friends
And I hear somebody tell me it's not safe,
someone should help me
I need to find a nice man to walk me home.

When I was a boy, I scared the pants off of my mom,
Climbed what I could climb upon
And I don't know how I survived,
I guess I knew the tricks that all boys knew.

And you can walk me home, but I was a boy, too.

I was a kid that you would like, just a small boy on her bike
Riding topless, yeah, I never cared who saw.
My neighbor come outside to say, "Get your shirt,"
I said "No way, it's the last time I'm not breaking any law."

And now I'm in this clothing store, and the signs say less is more
More that's tight means more to see, more for them, not more for me
That can't help me climb a tree in ten seconds flat

When I was a boy, See that picture? That was me
Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees
And I know things have gotta change,
They got pills to sell, they've got implants to put in,
they've got implants to remove

But I am not forgetting...that I was a boy too

And like the woods where I would creep, it's a secret I can keep
Except when I'm tired, 'cept when I'm being caught off guard
And I've had a lonesome awful day, the conversation finds its way
To catching fire-flies out in the backyard.

And I so tell the man I'm with about the other life I lived
And I say now you're top gun, I have lost and you have won
And he says, "Oh no, no, can't you see

When I was a girl, my mom and I we always talked
And I picked flowers everywhere that I walked.
And I could always cry, now even when I'm alone I seldom do
And I have lost some kindness
But I was a girl too.
And you were just like me, and I was just like you

---===---

I think that for at least 95% of the population the idea that there is a difference between sex and gender is hard to imagine. For the rest of us transgender folk, and possibly for the GLB community, it is impossible to escape. To my understanding "gender" is a societal construct, a set of "rules" that establish what is ok or forbidden for the two sexes. It touches everything from what you are allowed to wear, what occupations you are allowed to seek, how much emotion you are allowed to exhibit, who you are allowed to love, and a great host of other do's and don'ts. It changes through time and it differs between cultures. As great as the strides in civil rights has been over the last 30 or 40 years our country may be more polarized now than ever over issues of sex, gender, or sexual preference. The gender police, the great moralizers, the religious right are emboldened now like never before, with a virtual decree from our sitting government. Vote democratic!

While I doubt that a true easing or elimination of the gender laws would eliminate all gender dysphoria I'm sure we'd *all* be happier and more free to be ourselves.

Nipple Sensitivity

2006-01-31T10:58:00.000-05:00

Going into the breast augmentation one of my concerns was the potential loss of nipple sensitivity. Following the surgery I woke to find clear tape covering my nipples and areolas with a circular hole that the centermost part of my nipples stuck through. We were instructed that five days after surgery we were to grab the end of the covered sutures and pull them out, leaving the tape in place until it fell off on its own. It wasn't falling off at all. As of yesterday the tape was still intact and I had very limited feeling through it. Last night we were instructed to remove the tape, too. I must say that things feel different now. I'm getting a lot more feeling but it's still limited and spotty. Overall the left nipple and breast are more sensitive. The overall sensation is a bit uncomfortable, a bit painful. Like everything else I suppose I need to wait at least 6 months before I know what's what.

Gender Subversion

2006-01-30T11:07:00.000-05:00

FOR EVERY GIRL WHO IS TIRED
OF ACTING WEAK WHEN SHE IS
STRONG, THERE IS A BOY TIRED OF
APPEARING STRONG WHEN HE
FEELS VULNERABLE.

FOR EVERY
BOY WHO IS BURDENED WITH
THE CONSTANT EXPECTATION OF
KNOWING EVERYTHING, THERE
IS A GIRL TIRED OF PEOPLE NOT TRUSTING HER
INTELLIGENCE.

FOR EVERY GIRL WHO IS TIRED
OF BEING CALLED OVER-SENSITIVE, THERE IS
A BOY WHO FEARS TO BE GENTLE, TO WEEP.

FOR EVERY BOY FOR WHOM COMPETITION IS
THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE HIS MASCULINITY,
THERE IS A GIRL WHO IS CALLED UNFEMININE
WHEN SHE COMPETES.

FOR EVERY GIRL WHO
THROWS OUT HER E-Z-BAKE OVEN, THERE IS
A BOY WHO WISHES TO FIND ONE.

FOR EVERY
BOY STRUGGLING NOT TO LET ADVERTISING
DICTATE HIS DESIRES, THERE IS A GIRL FACING
THE AD INDUSTRY’S ATTACKS ON HER SELF-
ESTEEM.

FOR EVERY GIRL WHO TAKES A STEP
TOWARD HER LIBERATION, THERE IS A BOY WHO
FINDS THE WAY TO FREEDOM A LITTLE EASIER.

Adapted from a poem by Nancy R. Smith. CrimethInc. Gender Subversion Kit #69-B. Copies of this poster are availble individually and in bulk quantities from CrimethInc. Genders Anonymous / PO Box 1963 / Olympia WA 98507 or if waiting ain’t your thing, go to www.crimethinc.com.

Milestones

2006-01-29T19:14:00.000-05:00

This may not sound like a big deal to you but on Thursday I was first able to lay on my side and on Friday night I was able to sleep on my side. :) I absolutely hate sleeping on my back and find it very hard to get comfortable. I wake up with my knees and hips hurting from having my legs splayed open. I need to be on my side in my comfortable semi-fetal position. Oh joy! There's still some discomfort in my breast this way and I need a pillow between my knees or below my top leg, but it's still nearly heaven.

The stitched area that creates my new hooding has pretty much healed. The edges of my labia are still swollen but mostly healed; I think all the tissue sloughing is done. The stitches through the labia are starting to tatter on the inside.

What a Difference a Breast Aug Makes

2006-01-29T19:03:00.000-05:00

I was asked today for a picture of the "new me". While we've been taking "clinical" shots of my top and bottom I'm not yet ready to post those. Perhaps even I am too modest for that ;-) So, here's a shot to show you me "Then and Now".

I'm really starting to get into the idea of being *big*! I know that the final product will only get better, and smaller once the swelling goes down, but I can really get an idea about what it will be like and I like what I'm seeing.

Labia Improvements

2006-01-26T11:51:00.000-05:00

When I left the hospital my labia were so grossly swollen and discolored that even I'm too modest to show the pictures. Thankfully, since then I've shown rapid improvement. Only a few days later the swelling had gone down and the color gone from almost black to dark red. As of yesterday there is only one area of dark red left but that area is now being sloughed off. It's a bit gross.

Overall, the labiaplasty was not very painful. I brought my inflatable donut with me to AZ but never needed it.

Post-lab dilation was really painful at first. I went without dilation for about three days and so decided I'd start back with the next smaller stent. I did have a little trouble getting even this in at first, but the big discomfort was from how the stent touched or stretched the edges of the labia and perineum. I also had discomfort from merely having to reach down there with my post-BA torso pain. Each discomfort has improved each day. I should probably start back to "Big Max" (or "Mr. Big" as Michele likes to call dilator #4. Yes, she's a fan of Sex in the City.)

400cc's!

2006-01-25T14:21:00.000-05:00

While we were out in AZ we forgot to ask the simple question of how big my inserts are. I found out today that Dr M used 400cc implants in each breast. I was looking to go from "less than A" to something in the B cup range. I was expecting something like 250cc. Dr M says that I'll end up something like a large B or a small C. I guess I'll get used to this in time but the size of my implants goes a long way towards explaining why I'm so uncomfortable now. All that extra weight wants to shift every time I go from vertical to horizontal. I can feel it. I've gianed nearly 2 pounds from the inserts. My chest hurts from merely sitting still.

I had a bit of a crisis on Sunday when I tried on some clothes, trying to decide what to where to work on Monday. Even my loosest blouses are pulling at the buttons across the chest. Hopefully some of these will become wearable again as the swelling goes down or I'll have to replace almost my entire wardrobe! My best wardrobe option right now is sweaters. These are able to stretch to fit OK without looking stressed to the breaking point. While I don't want to start buying a new wardrobe to accommodate my swollen size I'm going to have to buy a few blouses to give me some more options and variety.

Although still swollen I am getting used to my new size. My breasts are too full at the top, with an obvious implant bulge, rather than a gradual, natural look I desire but they are nicely shaped. I think I'll like the final product.

Nobody at work has commented at all.

B2W-D1

2006-01-24T10:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my first day back to work. I felt pretty good in the morning but tired quickly in the afternoon. Most of the discomfort is from my breasts. I went home shortly before 3pm and had a 1.5 hour nap. I went to bed at 10pm and still feel tired and achy this morning. Today feels like it will be harder than yesterday. I think I'll work from home tomorrow.

Trying to Catch Up

2006-01-22T12:50:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how out of it I was these last several days. I'm not sure I'll ever get it all sorted out and blogged about.

I barely remember any of my time at the Greenbaum Center after getting my "Margarita Cocktail" from the anesthesiologist. I definitely feel like I could have used a second day in the recovery center. We stopped back in on Friday to say hi to some of Meltzer's other patients. They all mentioned how out of it I was on Tuesday. I basically don't remember meeting anyone.

On Friday we went to the mall to replace Michele's broken suitcase. I tried to lower myself into a seat outside of Nordstrom's and pulled something behind my right breast. I can't believe how much it hurt. It's still bothering me some today, kinda a burning sensation.

The flight home yesterday was pretty uneventful, thank the goddess. It was nothing like the hellatious trip home after the vaginoplasty in September. My breasts were sore, especially the right one. Other than that, nothing much to blog about.

After the breast aug Dr M told us that the stiches in each breast were deliberately left unknotted so that we could slip them out five days after sugery. So, last night Michele grabbed the stitch end from under the tape on my areola and pulled. It was pretty much painless and a non-event. I've still got clear tape covering my areolas that is supposed to be allowed to fall off in its own time. My nipples are basically numb.

I must say that my breast basically look exactly like I *didn't* want them to look. They are huge, too high, and very fake looking. I don't know how long it will take for the swelling to diminish or how long before they fully settle down into place. I wonder hay many of my tops are going to have to be replaced? Chalk this up to a hidden cost of breast augmentation!

My labia are improving in appearance. In pictures from the 18th my labia were very swollen and very dark from pooled blood. The color is improving nicely, but the swelling lingers. Overall it looks and feels like a quilted canoe! With the swelling the labia bulge outwards where they meet. It's uncomfortable except when I'm laying down or padded by a sanitary napkin.

Oww!

2006-01-19T23:04:00.000-05:00

I never expected the breast augmentation to be such a big deal, but it is. My torso really hurts and it hurts with almost every movement. I keep wanting to use my upper body to spare my bottom but it turns out that my top hurts much more than my bottom. I've heard it said that the labiaplasty hurts more than the vaginoplasty. I haven't really found that to be true because the breast aug trumps all. It is getting better each day but I still hurt and I need to be careful how I move. I couldn't get through the day without Michele. At least for me this isn't something to be done by yourself.

At this point my new breasts don't really feel like a part of me. They are so huge and firm that they feel really fake. I can't wait for the swelling to go down and for them to drop into their proper position!

Lost Days

2006-01-18T17:28:00.000-05:00

Wow, I've been so out of it. Everything seems tougher this time. I basically remember nothing about Monday getting the "margarita cocktail" from the anesthesiologist. It didn't take effect quite as quickly as before because I remember them wheeling the gurney towards the OR. After that everything is pretty much a blank until early Tuesday morning when one of the nurses removed my foley catheter and unhooked me from the IV. Right after she left I had to call her back because I felt like I was laying in a puddle. It turns out that my ice bag had leaked all over the bed. Since I felt incapable of getting out of bed they had to change the linens by rolling me first to one side and then to the other. This really hurt! I vaguely remember filling out my breakfast request. It was hard to do anything but sleep. I don't remember it being this difficult last time.

My new boobs look huge and they are way too high. I feel like I have over inflated balloons stuck to my chest. My right side is very sore and shows moderate bruising. Almost all movement is painful.

I've hardly gotten a good look at my clit and vagina but what I've seen looks like raw meat, all dark and bruised. Luckily I'm not feeling much pain from down there.

Mt appetite is slowly returning. I hardly ate any breakfast but I did a pretty good job on lunch

And Away We Go!

2006-01-16T13:52:00.000-05:00

We just got back from my pre-op consultation. It's so good to see Debbie, Linda, and Christa again. We also met new nurse Lindsey. She worked with Dr Meltzer when they were in Portland and is just now rejoining them in AZ. Dr Meltzer is still as friendly, outgoing, and talkative as ever. We had *many* questions which he patiently answered. Apparently my nipples are large enough for the areola route for insertion. I was surprised to find out that I will be allowed to shower tomorrow. The reason for no bra for 3 months is to let the implant settle into the proper position.

We head to the surgery center in about 30 minutes. I'm feeling good, but hungry.

The Day Before

2006-01-15T21:58:00.000-05:00

After breakfast we went to the Desert Botanical Gardens. We ended up spending about 2.5 hours, me ambling along, Michele riding a scooter, looking at all of the plants and playing with my Digital Rebel XT camera. 110 pictures later the battery ran out and we headed off to a late lunch at Carlsbad Tavern. We ate there last year after my SRS. We endeed up sitting outside which which was nice, but it got a bit cool and there were Palo Verde leaves falling all over everything, including the food.

It's really amazing the difference in 4.5 months. Back in August/September we would have never been outside doing anything between 11 and 2. Now, I had a jacket on for all but a brief time around 1pm. The hostess at breakfast said that here they consider those months to be their "winter", the time to stay indoors.

We're sitting here watching "24", then it's off for some dinner. It's now 16.5 hours until surgery.

Travelog

2006-01-15T20:53:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's trip was not the best we've ever had. The flight was late taking off but we made up the time enroute. Once there we waited a long while for someone to wheelchair Michele to the baggage claim area. The place was crazy and there was no sight of our flight's baggage. I took a walk around looking for it and when I got back Michele was upset because the pull handle broke off of her rollaboard. While I waited for the baggage Michele got the rental car taken care of. Instead of the midsized we'd reserved we ended up with a Chrysler Pacifica. What a boat, but pretty cushy. Then outside to catch thr van to the car. Within 2 minutes I saw the van coming. However, it went right past without seeing me try to wave it over. The vans are supposed to go by every 7 minutes, but we waited 25 minutes for another. By the time we got the car and got to the hotel it was going on 19:30 MST. We left our place about 10 hours earlier. Needless to say, we were beyond hungry. We got to a nearby restaurant 25 minutes before it was to close. It hardly matters what we ate. Back to the hotel and into bed.

On the Road Again

2006-01-14T15:41:00.000-05:00

This is just too cool. I'm sitting in the United Red Carpet Club (cool) typing on Michele's laptop with a Verizon wireless air card (way cool). Blogging on the go!

We're about 30 minutes from boarding for a 4:45 flight non-stop to Phoenix. It's about a 5 hour flight. We're supplied with our own snacks because you can't count on the airlines for much anymore. When did airflight get like this? Is this the result of deregulation in the 70's? Progress? I don't think so.

Anyway, the counter says that my surgery is less than 48 hours away. Now that I'm sitting in the airport I've calmed down quite a bit. I guess I'll be fine until Monday when all of the surgery anxiety can start again. I hope the flight is uneventful.

TTFN

Getting Nervous

2006-01-13T15:29:00.000-05:00

We leave tomorrow for AZ and I'm getting nervous. My anxieties fall into two general categories: travel prep/the travel itself and the unknowns regarding post-op general wellbeing.

Travel:
It's the usual things: what to take/what I can get by without, what am I forgetting, getting to the airport, getting through security, getting into the air

Post-op:
How much pain will there be, how long will I be essentailly confined to bed, will I be able to do some day trips and sightseeing, how much will I be able to lift, how uncomfortable will the trip home be?

Many of the post-op questions impact the packing questions. If I'm OK for day trips then I want to take my new Digital Rebel XT SLR camera. However, it's quite a bit larger and heavier than my old camera and has extra lenses and filters and I wonder if I'll be able to carry the stuff and if it should be packed for the trip.

I've heard lots of conflicting stuff about the post-op pain. Some accounts say that the labiaplasty is more painful than the vaginoplasty. Knowing how invasive the VP is it's hard to believe this as possible. In regards to the breast augmentation a friend said that it felt like getting hit across the chest with a baseball bat but that this feeling only lasted for two days. I know that I'm supposed to limit my lifting afterwards but how much will be possible? After the VP I was able to pull a roll-aboard suitcase. What about after the BA? Again, this impacts the packing.

For me uncertainty is always the worst feeling. I can deal with a situation as long as I know what the situation is. I hate this not knowing!

Mixed Mind and Magical Moments

2006-01-10T01:14:00.000-05:00

We leave for AZ on Saturday and the surgery is less than one week away. I'm moving forward with mixed feelings. On the one hand I hate the idea of more surgery now. On the other hand I can't wait to be done with all of this. I feel like an unfinished project and know that I need to get this behind me now. In other words, I'm nervous but I can't wait.

There really is no one specific time at which transition ends but many view SRS as this magical moment, the moment at which their whole life will change for the better. True, surgery was very important to me, and this next surgery is also important, but the real magic happened when I went full time. Going full allowed me to finally live life as I know I must, as the woman I know myself to be. It was a life changing event, a very public event which affected both my self and those around me. Surgery is a private event, done out of view. Personally, I've had the confidence to transition without really changing anything else in my life but the presence of that penis haunted me in bathrooms and locker rooms and worried me about what might happen in an emergency situation. SRS has given me the increased confidence to go anywhere and do anything I desire without fear of "detection".

None of these positive effects are possible without doing the work to set it up. Most of us suffer from some sort of social malady due to our gender dysphoria. If you are poorly socialized before surgery you will likely still be poorly socialized after surgery unless you do something to understand your situation and make a positive change. Surgery is no magic bullet. Years of counseling helped get me to where I am today.

Before closing this I must mention the other magical moment in my life: when I met Michele and fell in love. I was committed to transition and surgery before I met Michele but she has been my companion on this part of my journey and has given it special meaning. All along she has been more accepting of my physical status than I, letting me know that I didn't need to do anything out of concern for her acceptance, and accepting my decisions. I would have managed to get through all of this without her but it has been so much better with her.

Preparations

2006-01-07T15:26:00.000-05:00

We leave for AZ one week from today. Pray for good flying weather. No snowstorms!

The flights have had a few schedule adjustments but nothing to get concerned about. The hotel is verified. I bought more Arnica montana and some acidophilus. I've still got Bacitracin left from August. I've got maxi pads, bought back in September, that I didn't need then but will be perfect now. We bought some oversized long sleeve t-shirts that, hopefully, will be comfortable to wear over tender breasts.

There are still unanswered questions about the breast augmentation:

round vs shaped implants:
I think I favor the shaped implants as I think they look more natural, without that telltale round bulge at the top of the breast. I hope he offers this.

over the muscle vs under the muscle:
under the muscle is supposed to create a more natural appearance, wrinkles in the implant are less noticeable, it's less likely to be felt by Michele, and interfers less with mammography. However, I've read that they move around more when the pectoral muscle is used. That seems just too weird and I can't help wonder what would happen when I rock climb.

incision site:
Dr M's favorite site is at the edge of the areola. It gives him good access to the site and scars here tend to be less noticeable. However, I have small areola and I'm not sure he can get the minimum 1.5 inch incision he needs. If we need to go to plan b I think I favor the incision below the breast.

Complication!

2006-01-07T14:59:00.000-05:00

About a week ago I noticed a new red area on one side of my clitoris. Yep, it seems I have more granulation tissue. As little as I like it I knew I had to do the silver nitrate treatment again. I did one over the weekend and then emailed Meltzer's office on Tuesday with pictures. The good doctor agreed that it was granulation tissue and that I was right to start treating it again. I was instructed to do it twice more before surgery with the last time being on the 12th. For some reason it's not hurting as much this time; quite tolerable. My main concern was that this might mess up my ability to have the surgery now. Thankfully it won't be a problem.

Change in SOP

2006-01-07T14:52:00.000-05:00

For my vaginoplasty, a few weeks before the surgery date I received a letter with all of my prescriptions to be filled and a list of OTC items to be purchased. This week I'm less than two weeks from my next surgery and hadn't received anything. I sent an email to Meltzer's office and was told that they changed the procedure. For the vaginoplasty they give you the prescriptions and OTCs when you arrive for the pre-op appointment. I asked how I'm supposed to get them filled between my 9:30am pre-op appointment and my arrival at the surgery center at 12:30. Apparently I won't need any of the prescription drugs until after I exit the recovery center. So, the drill is to drop off the prescriptions after pre-op and then get them picked up the next day.

Counting The Days

2006-01-01T15:12:00.000-05:00

I like to look at the "day counters" on this blog; they help to remind me where I've been and where I'm going. Today: 124 days since vaginoplasty; 4 months. The big significance of this is that now I'm supposed to be able to get by with once-a-day dilation. As freeing as twice-a-day dilation was as compared to three-times-a-day, once-a-day is going to be even better. I seem to have a way of letting things create unsolvable dilemmas for me. It was that way with expression of my new-found femininity and rock climbing and it has been this way for me with dilation and resuming my bike riding. The morning dilation was occupying my morning workout time and I just couldn't get enthusiastic about rising at 5am to do both. Now, I'm free once more to exercise in the morning with dilation pushed off for between work and bedtime. Finally I'll be able to attack the weight that's crept on since August and get comfortably back into my slacks. Yeah!

Also today: 14 days (actually, almost 15 days) until my labiaplasty and breast augmentation. We fly back to AZ on the 14th with surgery scheduled for the afternoon of the 16th. I'm not really looking forward to more surgery but I'm anxious to have it all over. I've heard many pros and cons about having the vag and lab surgery closely together or further apart in time. For me closer is the way to go. At present I feel like an unfinished project. I want to get this stuff finished and be able to move forward. Sure, I'm still not fully healed from August, there's still quite a bit of numbness, but at this point it would be hard to make it worse. Six months from now it should all be over and healed and I'll know what's what. On the down side it does mean taking a break from discovering my new capacities for pleasure. I've had some breakthroughs and some disappointments. I'll be "off limits" again while my labia heal. The breast aug is a whole new frontier with its own concerns. I'm concerned about loss of nipple sensitivity and I'm concerned with ending up too big. I'm also amazed by the mention in my pre-op paperwork that I'm supposed to go without a bra for 3 months following surgery. I really can't comprehend this as I pretty much figured I'd need increased support during the healing. Even now with my little breasts it can be uncomfortable to go without a bra. I can't imagine what it will be like after augmentation. Ouch?

Not Quite Getting It

2005-12-29T10:08:00.000-05:00

Michele and I spent Christmas day, Monday, and Tuesday visiting with her mom. On Tuesday morning I had a long, private talk with her mom. She knows that I'm transsexual and Michele explained to her what SRS is before we went out to AZ in August. So, I was quite surprised when she asked me when I adopted my kids. I explained that they are mine, that I am transsexual, that I am their father. She couldn't seem to wrap her head around this idea and asked if the kids know I'm transsexual. She asked what the kids call me. She went on to ask who is the woman that they stay with when they're not with me. I explained that she is their mother (I wish I had remembered to use the term "birth mother"). Again, she wasn't quite grasping the situation. I don't think we discussed this any further but I think we'll need to come back to it at a later date.

Another First

2005-12-21T19:57:00.000-05:00

With womanhood comes all the things our mothers, sisters, and spouses have put up with for years. A month ago I had my first pelvic/speculum exam. Yesterday I had my first mammograms. With all the hype Michele had been putting out I was prepared for REAL PAIN! Instead, it turned out to be uncomfortable, but nothing more. I guess I won't need to repeat this for a few years. At that time we'll need to deal with the breast implants.

Although I've spent the last 17+ months living as a woman full time, at many times I'm still "Dad". My son still calls me "Dad" and my ex refers to me as "Dad" when talking with my son about me. At daycare I've gotten use to "Sammi, your dad is here!" This morning one of the little girls said "Goodbye Sammi's mommy." Maybe I've finally made this transition ;-)

32 Days and Counting

2005-12-14T20:35:00.000-05:00

It's still 32 days until my second round of surgery. Today I paid my balance in full.

I'm certainly looking forward to the results of the labiaplasty and breast augmentation but I'm not looking forward to undergoing more surgery. As it is I'm still healing from my surgery in August. It's been almost 4 months but I still have lots of numbness. Many people have told me that it may take 6 months or more for all the numbness to go away. It seems likely that the labiaplasty will delay some of this healing. It's a price I'm willing to pay for a successful outcome.

More Electrolysis

2005-12-01T21:25:00.000-05:00

I went today for more electrolysis “down below”. In preparation for the labiaplasty I need to clear off a 2cm area around my clitoris and any hair between my labia. As with the pelvic exam, things are pretty much still numb down there so most of it wasn’t at all painful. The exception was the area above my clitoris. Some of it was numb but some of it has full feeling and the electrolysis there was painful…but bearable. There's still about 6 weeks until my next surgery so we have another chance in about 4 weeks to clean up anything that we missed or that grows back. Now I’m torn between wanting the numbness to go away and wanting it to last for the next round of electrolysis.

My First Pelvic Exam

2005-12-01T21:24:00.000-05:00

It’s been 3 months since my surgery. That means it’s time for my first pelvic exam. This happened on Tuesday. All in all, it was pretty uneventful. At this point I’m still pretty numb down there so I basically didn’t feel anything. I’m glad to know that everything inside is looking good. However, I’m upset to know that I have a few hairs inside. All that pain and suffering and we didn’t get it all :(

Thanksgiving: Reasons to be Thankful

2005-11-23T11:51:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day, 2005 and I have so many reasons to be thankful!

I'm thankful that the fates brought Michele to me, and thankful that she arrived into my life at a time when I was open and ready to receive her;
I'm thankful for the love and support of my family;
I'm thankful for the love and support of my friends;
I'm thankful for a workplace, employers, and coworkers who made my transition easy, even in the absence of gender identity or gender expression being mentioned in our EEO statement;
I'm thankful for the strong housing market that gave me the means to pay for my SRS;
I'm thankful for the skill and compassion of Dr. Toby Meltzer and the warmth and compassion of everyone associated with him;
I'm thankful that the Transgender Education Association was there when I needed it and I'm glad that I've been able to give back to the community.

For this, and so much more, I am thankful. Holiday wishes to you all!

Post-op Endocrinology Exam

2005-11-16T13:38:00.000-05:00

Last Wednesday I had my first post-op checkup with my endocrinologist. One of the first things he asked me was "What's new?" I responded "I had my surgery." Obviously, he did not remember or note it on my chart. He asked about my breast growth; I responded "non-existent and the breast tenderness went away during the pre-op withdrawal from hormones and hasn't returned." During the physical exam he concurred and confirmed my suspicion that I may have lost some size. We talked about my hormone dosage: 1.25 mg Premarin taken in two doses; no spironolactone.

I switched medical insurance back in June, due to an employer change, and my endo is the one doctor who's not on the new plan. I knew I'd have to pay upfront and then submit a receipt for partial reimbursement. I opted to have him draw my blood, as usual, since I was already fasting and didn't want to prolong this for a trip to the lab or have to repeat it another day (I hate fasting!) Tests ordered:
80053, Comprehensive Metabolic Panel, $74
80061, Lipid Panel, $56
84403, Testosterone, $90
82670, Estradiol, $90.
The final bill: $440! Hopefully I'll get back like 80%.

Test Results:
Testosterone: 46; shouldn't this be near zero?
Estradiol: 36; too low, I'm ordered to increase the Premarin to 1.875mg
Cholesterol: Total, 225; LDL, 132; HDL, 76; my cholesterol has been steadily increasing for 2 years. It has me concerned
Blood Sugar: 108; he didn't believe me that this was a fasting value and now wants a 2hr glucose tolerance test. I need to talk to him again and find out what my target testosterone and estradiol are and find out when I should be retested. Also, he never tells me my triglycerides result; need to get that, too.

Heart disease, diabetes, and high cholesterol run on both sides of my family so I'm a bit concerned. I see my GP on the 29th to discuss all this and have my first pelvic exam. I'll keep you informed.

The Price, but not the Worth

2005-11-06T00:38:00.000-05:00

I've made an effort to total up the cost of my vaginoplasty. I've included everything from the surgery itself, to the travel costs, to the various extras that needed to be picked in AZ, including gifts for the nurses and for my kids. I realize now that I've failed to record the cost of the prescription drugs, OTCs, and equipment I bought before we left. The food costs, below, are likely to be an understatement as I'm sure there are meals and that haven't gotten added in. Obviously, if you travel this adventure alone you'll halve the airfare, only need lodging at each end of your stay, and likely be able to avoid the rental car. Having Michele with me was priceless, worth every cent; I just can't imagine going through this alone.

So, that covers the price, but what about the worth? How can you put a price on being comfortable in your own body? Priceless. Still, I must admit that I'm not yet at this place. I still have healing to do: nerves to regenerate and granulation tissue still needing to heal. I still have the labiaplasty and the breast augmentation (and the healing that goes along with that). Lastly, I still have annoying body hair that I want gone. This will end up being my final frontier. After the surgeries are behind me I'll still be dealing with hair!

A week in the life...

2005-11-04T14:48:00.000-05:00

Every week that passes I feel better, more like me. On Wednesday I went back to rock climbing for the first time since before the surgery. It was a good night and I felt no lingering effects from the surgery, no pains or strains, only the effects of a 10 week break from climbing. I was out of gas after about 6 climbs and my hands and forearms are still sore today. Now I need to restart my biking!

Over the last several days I've been feeling increasingly horny. Last night we took my vagina for a test drive. Unfortunately, many areas are still numb and I didn't achieve "ignition". Still, what I could feel felt good and it's only bound to get better. No, I wasn't really expecting anything more but I needed to know what's what. It's been 2 months since surgery and for most of it I've felt like a no-fly zone, off limits, a toxic waste site. I needed a preview of things to come, I needed to know that Michele could be comfortable with me, I needed Michele to know that I'm ready to start exploring. She said it was like coming home ;-)

Michele just figured out last night that after my next surgery both my breasts and my vagina will become off limits for a few weeks. I've understood this all along. I'm commited to the surgeries so we'll have to deal with this downside.

I just finished going through the presurgery paperwork for January. In reading through the post-op care for the breast augmentation I was surprised to find out that I'm supposed to go 3 months without wearing a bra. I had expected that proper support would be a requirement. I can't help but think that this will be painful and uncomfortable.

Dr Meltzer prefers a periareolar approach for the breast implant insertion. I've read that this requires an incision of about 1 1/2 inches. He also prefers to insert a prefilled implant. I'm amazed that a filled implant can be passed through such a small opening but I'm concerned because my areola are rather small. I don't have room for an incision this size. I guess I have to wait until January to know how it will go.

What's the Rush?

2005-10-27T09:34:00.000-05:00

That's the question I was asked this week: "What's the rush?" Why am I having my labiaplasty so soon after the vaginoplasty? One of the reasons why this is a two step procedure is that the vaginoplasty is very traumatic on the vaginal/abdominal area and needs to heal; vascular damage precludes doing the labiaplasty sooner than 3 months post-op. My labiaplasty is scheduled for 4.5 months (20 weeks) post-op. I scheduled it then because it was my understanding that this should be done between 3 and 6 months. This particular date was open and allows me to use the MKL Day holiday to save a day off. However, the biggest reason for the "rush" is that I feel like an unfinished project. It's hard to "get on with my life" without putting these surgeries behind me.

Business As Usual

2005-10-23T21:44:00.000-05:00

It’s been a very uneventful week, pretty much business as usual. Dilation with big Max is getting easier, but is definitely not easy. Parting the PC muscle doesn’t feel too bad anymore, but advancing the dilator is uncomfortably. I’m pretty sure that Big Max is as large as I’ll ever go. I feel filled to capacity. One thing I’ve just noticed is that each time I step up a size I seem to be trading width for depth, almost 1/2 an inch with the step from 2 to 3 and another going from 3 to 4.

Treating my granulation tissue is a pain both figuratively and literally. I now call the pain “the ring of fire” as it’s a burning sensation surrounding my clit. The immediate, intense pain passes fairly quickly but is replaced by a lingering, duller pain that eventually makes my entire abdomen hurt. As I said before, this better work!

About a week ago Michele asked me something to the effect of when does it all feel like you, when do you stop looking in the mirror to see what things look like because you’re used to it (my counselor asked a related question wondering if I was accepting of the rest of my body). She wanted to know why I hadn’t written about this. I think the bottom line is that I’m not there yet. Dealing with this granulation tissue and wondering if/when/how it will heal up and also knowing that I have another surgery in January makes it impossible to know what the final me will be like. Add to that the still numb areas that may or may not improve and my “untested equipment” and it’s obvious that I’m just not there yet. I’m still a work in progress.

2005-10-16T16:43:00.001-05:00

Milestones

This week I:

Went an entire day wearing heels without abdominal discomfort;
Decided that I am more comfortable without the donut;
Discovered that all of my sutures are gone;
Said hello to "Big Max" (dilator #4)

Clitoral Complications

In my last post I mentioned the ugly red area around my clitoris. I spoke with Nurse Janet and she asked me to send a picture. She then responded that it looks like "granulation tissue". According to the OneLook Dictionary this is "new connective tissue and tiny blood vessels that form on the surfaces of a wound during the healing process". Although it seems that this may be a normal part of wound healing this tissue is also very fragile and prone to damage, oozing, and bleeding and can develop into scar tissue. God knows I don't want scar tissue surrounding my clit! Anyway, the treatment is to apply silver nitrate to the granulation tissue. It comes as a stick that looks like a match with the match head being the silver nitrate. I'm to apply it to the area twice a week for two weeks. Immediately, it turns the tissue a silvery black. Later the entire area was covered in a yucky, silvery, staining, oozy mess. This better do the trick because it also hurts! I specifically asked Janet if this would hurt and she said no. I doubt she's ever had the "pleasure" of the experience.

Post-op Checkup

2005-10-10T17:36:00.000-05:00

On Thursday I had my first post-op appointment with my primary care physician. I brought her the little bit of info for follow-up care provided by Dr M’s office. We went over my current meds and my general wellbeing. I’m supposed to have my first speculum exam at 3 months so we talked about what I was told she’s supposed to be alert for during the exam. Since Dr M’s office also has an info sheet on this I called today to get it faxed. She also sent me home with a speculum to “practice”. It turns out to be smaller in diameter than Junior but it opens up larger than Big Max; she also needs to be able to move it around to see everything. She also mentioned that lubricant interferes with a pap smear. I haven’t “practiced” yet so I don’t yet know how this will work out without lubricant. Thankfully, I don’t need a pap smear until about next August so it’s not much of an issue at this time. We then moved on to a physical exam. As I was getting into the stirrups I remarked that this was my first time, at least while conscious. Her first comment was “Wow, he does nice work!” Of course, this felt really good. She noted the remnants of my sutures that are still hanging in there. She also noted that I have some discharge. Unfortunately, I forgot to ask from where the discharge is coming. I go back in 7 weeks for the speculum exam. Oh boy! Thursday evening, or the next day, I took a good look at the area to see if I could notice a discharge. I was alarmed to see that the area right around my clitoris is quite red. It looks to me like the sutures that were holding the skin to the clit have finally dissolved and the skin has pulled back a bit. I don't know if this is normal so I put in a call to Dr M’s nurse but haven’t heard back yet. In the mean time I'm using the Bacitracin twice a day.

"The Dreaded Speculum"

Blogging on a Comment: Vaginas, Sexuality, and Transsexuality

2005-10-07T18:42:00.000-05:00

My last post, PC Muscles Explained, elicited comments from Anonymous. We got off to a poor start based on misunderstanding. Instead of responding at length in another comment I’m going to respond here.

Sex, Gender, and Sexuality
These are three independent variables of a person’s personality. If you can imagine a combination, it’s sure to exist. They are not even sure to be stable over time. Gender and sexuality are actually far more fluid than most people are comfortable to admit.

Vagina: to have or to have not.
I’ve heard it said “Why would you want a vagina if you don’t intend to have intercourse with men?” Wanting intercourse is one possible reason for wanting a vagina but there are many other possible reasons for a male-to-female transsexual to want a vagina. One of the most important to me had to do with body image. For me it was just wrong to have a penis. While I’ve never hated my penis once I realized that I was transsexual I knew that I wanted a vagina. Note that at this point I had not yet figured out my sexuality. Once I realized that I was lesbian I was quite troubled by being a lesbian with a penis. What’s wrong with this picture? Oh, the penis! So, for me I needed to have a vagina because I knew it was right for me. Oh yes, I want to be penetrated, but not by a guy’s dick.

Sexuality
Transsexuals are a diverse lot. I will go out on a limb and say that most MtF’s probably started as “heterosexual”, at least, they were trying to live the life that’s expected of a male in US society. After transition and surgery all bets are off. Unfortunately, there are no good statistics on this. For me, from the first moment I left the house dressed (age 38!) I knew I wanted to experience being out on a date with a guy. There are a large number of guys out there who seem to have a thing about MtF’s so it wasn’t terribly hard to find date. I quickly found that I wasn’t actually turned on by these guys but that I was turned on by their attention to me. This left me wondering if the problem was with these particular guys or with guys in general. My first date with a woman answered this question for good. Wow, zing! I never experienced a spark with the guys. It’s not a requirement that a TS know their ultimate sexuality before starting transition or before surgery. We’re all free to change our minds…and then change them back…repeatedly. It should be nobody’s business but their own.

The art of vaginal maintenance
I suppose it’s possible to just have a penectomy and not to have a vagina constructed but it’s not something you generally hear about. So, it’s pretty much a given that regardless of your sexuality, or your desire or expectation to ever have intercourse, a post-op transsexual is going to have a vagina to maintain. This maintenance consists of dilation, initially 4 times a day, eventually tapering off to once a day or less, but possibly lasting forever. It’s a big responsibility, but after all the time, pain, and expense it’s hard to believe that someone would stop dilating and let their vagina close up. Hard to believe, but true. I can’t begin to guess why.

PC Muscles Explained

2005-10-03T19:55:00.000-05:00

In researching the vaginoplasty I had always read about how an opening must be made through the PC muscle for the vaginal canal. I’d also heard of the PC muscle back when my ex was pregnant with our kids. In all that time I don’t think I’ve ever really knew what the PC muscle is. It turns out that PC is short for pubococcygeus. It surrounds the urethral and rectal openings and it sort of forms a hammock that supports all the abdominal and pelvic organs. Now I better understand why piercing it for the vaginal opening makes everything hurt! I found all of this info here.

The Worst Work Day So Far

2005-10-03T19:39:00.000-05:00

Today was a bad workday. From the moment I arrived at my desk I was feeling uncomfortable. I’m not sure why, but there are several possibilities: today was the day that the kids go back to their mom. This entails schlepping all of the stuff they can’t live without (guitars, gaming systems, dolls, school stuff, etc) over to the other house. I had my son load up the car last night, but it was up to me to get it all from the car and into the house. Could be that I over did it. Second, today I tried wearing my “sensible pumps” rather than my flats. Third, my slacks were tight across the waist. Could be all of these, something else entirely, or just one of those things. Bottom line, from the first moment at work I was wondering how long I would last and how soon I could realistically head home. I toughed it out until 3:30, drove home, dilated, dozed, spoke with Michele (she’s in France until Sunday), and then did some shopping. Unfortunately, this required more lifting and carrying. I should probably have left it until tomorrow but I had been looking forward to a grilled chicken salad all day.

Speaking of food, when I left for surgery I weighed 149 pounds. When I returned I was at 152. Middle of last week I was at 157! It’s time to get serious again about dieting and weight control. In the past, I’ve never been disciplined enough for a diet to work, but adding in my exercise does the trick. Unfortunately my body is telling me that it’s too soon for any serious exercise. It’s all going to be a struggle for a while.

3x3

2005-10-02T12:44:00.000-05:00

The dilation routine is now Trey three times a day. I've made the full transition to dilator #3. The Deuce Coupe has had its last ride; I no longer need it to prep me for Trey.

The 3x per day dilation schedule is working out OK so far. I'm doing the first around 6am, second after work, around 5:30, third before bedtime, around 11pm. Unfortunately, this schedule stretches my day a bit on each end, cutting into my sleep time. Before surgery this would have been enough but right now it's not; I need extra sleep.

Work is good and bad. The work itself is fine but the all day sitting is uncomfortable. I find it hard to even get to 4pm; 5pm seems out of the question. I need to give it more time.

Wd3

2005-09-29T10:09:00.000-05:00

Work day 3 ended up feeling more like day 1 than day 2. Sitting is my most uncomfortable position and computer work doesn't afford much opportunity for moving around or changing position. It seems that I'm going to have to add scheduled walks, stretches, etc into my work routine.

In dilation news I'm transitioning from dilator #2 to dilator #3 (neither of these have acquired names yet). #3 ("Trey"?) is really tight and I can't insert it yet without easing the way with #2 ("Deuce Coupe"?). I suppose it'll get easier with time but right now I don't see how it will ever be possible to use Big Max (#4). Luckily, as a lesbian, all I need is room for two fingers and Trey looks like he'll give me that.

Back to Work

2005-09-27T20:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a big day. It was my first day back to work since my surgery. Up at 6AM to dilate, out the door shortly after 8. I knew I was feeling well enough to go back to the office but I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to last the entire day. By 1:30 I was finding it uncomfortable to sit. I’d brought my donut to work, but it can only do so much. I gutted through it by getting up more frequently and by surreptitiously massaging my abdomen while at my desk. I really wanted to last for a 3-4:30 meeting. I made it through and then immediately headed home; time to dilate again! With the return to work I can now only get in three dilations a day. Luckily, my vagina didn’t tragically collapse or anything, but it did feel a bit tighter than usual. I survived work day one, but was pretty wiped out by bed time.

Today is day two. Sitting wasn’t as uncomfortable but I did have to attend two meetings so I wasn’t constantly sitting in the same chair, in the same position, in front of my computer. Tomorrow is a “regular” work day without meetings. It will be interesting to see if my comfort level is more like today or Monday.

Arousal

2005-09-22T19:28:00.000-05:00

Wow. I just had my first post-op arousal experience. I was checking myself out in the mirror after arriving home from the beauty salon and it was like Wham! I want it now! Unfortunately, I don’t yet know how to masturbate so this did not end in my first female orgasm. Still, it's very nice to know that "the hills are alive" and everything is starting to work.

Pee & Poop

2005-09-21T22:07:00.000-05:00

Is everything I write about pee and poop? Sometimes it feels that way. At least, it must feel that way to some of you. One of my good friends recently wrote to me saying that she's been reading my blog and that she now knows much more about me than she ever thought she'd know. When I asked about what she's learned she said in part "The most I learn about how to pee, how to pass a poop after surgery." Wow, what a laugh! I think it illustrates how we take regular bodily functions for granted until they're no longer regular. When you have bronchitis and it becomes painful to inhale you're reminded of something you do about 10 times a minutes that you give little thought to. It's the same way with pee and poop. Actually, you probably do pay attention to these since they require you to stop what you're doing and go somewhere special to take care of them. When there's an obvious change in the routine you probably do notice. Everything involved with surgery has an impact on pee and poop, everything from the bowel prep to the anesthesia to the post-op meds to the diet. Pee and poop; I'll try not to mention them again, but I won't make any promises. Shit, I could have a brain fart ;-)

James Brown ain't got nothing on me!

2005-09-21T19:42:00.000-05:00

I feel good! I pretty much knew that I would but I didn't know it would be now!

It's 22 days since the surgery and I never expected to be feeling so good so soon. The bruising is basically gone and so is most of the tenderness. Sitting is still uncomfortable on harder chairs but I’m needing the donut less and less. I still bring it with me most places I go but I no longer need it as much. My stamina seems nearly normal and I no longer feel the need for naps. I’ve started exercising again. It will only be twice this week, but I never expected to be doing even this much this soon. The remarkable thing is that I don’t feel like I’m pushing myself, too much too fast. I’m listening to my body and my body is saying that it’s all good, go for it. I’m not even thinking about rock climbing yet. That’s at least two weeks off.

I’m back to work on Monday. My aim is for full time but I will listen to my body and act accordingly. If I need to leave in the afternoon, so be it.

I also feel good mentally and emotionally. I feel so good about myself. I feel genuine. I feel whole.

I feel good!

Work(out) and Play

2005-09-19T21:32:00.000-05:00

Today I went to the pool with Michele. I still can’t use a pool or hot tub for about two weeks but I was interested in their gym, specifically the recumbent bikes. I've been feeling pretty darn good and wanting to restart some mild exercise. However, sitting on a standard bicycle seat is likely not yet possible and I'm not ready to restart rock climbing. So, some leisurely pedaling on a recumbent bike seemed like a good alternative. I felt a little bit of discomfort at the sides of the groin but nothing from the “special” areas. My leisurely ride, however, turned into a pretty rigorous workout. With everything feeling so go I couldn’t help but pick up the pace. At first I had some difficulty figuring out the controls on the machine and ended up aborting the first two workout routines. I did end up doing a 20 minute ride at moderate intensity. My legs were slightly sore afterwards but it soon went away.

I recently wrote that dilation is not sexually stimulating and that is definitely the case. However, last night as I was lying there with my hands in my crotch holding the stent in place I began to start rubbing various areas to note the sensation. There are many areas with little or no feeling but many areas are quite alive. My clitoris has feeling, but so far no “electricity”. In contrast, my labia are quite sensate and stroking them felt mighty nice. The area that used to be the base of the scrotum also feels really good. The vagina area itself is still sleeping. I imagine this is all pretty typical at this point. I’m really looking forward to what the future should hold.

Rapunzel

2005-09-18T16:29:00.000-05:00

My last blog was made possible by Rapunzel. Rapunzel is Bernice and Bernice is a Meltzer graduate. Bernice contacted me after finding my blog and pointed me to hers. I've enjoyed reading about her experience and in reading through her blog I picked up a few tips about dilation. The first tip was that it's possible to relax the PC muscle by first contracting it for a bit before inserting the dilator. I also learned from her that if you are having trouble moving up to the next size dilator that you can first insert the smaller dilator, get all relaxed with that for a few minutes, and then switch to the next larger size. It was this trick that got me from Junior to Mr T. Thank you Bernice. I'm still not having an easy time with Mr T; insertion is still difficult and it's very uncomfortable for a few minutes. Thankfully, that feeling passes fairly quickly.

By no means is dilation an enjoyable experience, but it's absolutely essential to maintaining (and increasing) the width of the vagina. After the pain and expense of getting a vagina I'm not about to let it slam shut. As they say "No pain, no gain".

Moving Up

2005-09-16T21:03:00.000-05:00

After talking with Junior for 11 days I decided to introduce myself to Mr T. As it turns out Mr T was too rough on me and Junior had to act as a go between. What? You have no idea what I’m talking about? Dilation of course! When I was first given my stent set I immediately named the largest one “Big Max”. Michele later dubbed #1 as “Junior”. The second stent is labeled “2T”. The “T” stands for “tapered” (not transgendered), so I’ve begun calling it “Mr T”. My euphemism for dilating is “talking to Junior”. So, as I was saying, after 11 days using #1 it was pretty much time to try moving up to 2T. As it turned out, I had difficulty getting it in. So, I first inserted Junior for a few minutes and then attempted the switch to Mr T. Success, but painful. Mr T is definitely stretching things more than Junior. Progress.

Life’s Little Mistakes

2005-09-15T15:45:00.000-05:00

My daughter turns 9 in just over a month. Last night while I was giving her a bath I realized that we had done a disservice to her. As we were raising her older brother we always called his penis a penis. In contrast, I never spoke of her vagina. Instead we always said that “Boys have penises and girls don’t” but never referred to her parts as anything other than “her bottom”. Well, last night she asked me to name body parts and then she would point them out on her body. After asking about her cheeks and joking about those on her face and those on her butt I asked about her vagina. I only got a blank stare in return. So, it was time to educate. I told her that in the fold between her legs are two openings; the one in the front is what she pees from and is called the urethra and the opening about an inch back is called the vagina. I went on to say that the vagina connects to the uterus, the place that a baby develops. She knew that I was going to Arizona for surgery that would “change my penis into something that looks more appropriate for a woman” but, again, I never named parts. I see now that this was probably a mistake.

Healing: My operation site seems to be healing well. One “advantage” of wearing a sanitary napkin is that I can see where any discharge is coming from. At this point I don’t have much discharge, but what there is mostly comes from the area of my clitoris. I’ve gotten out a magnifying mirror and taken a good look at the area. It seems that where the clitoris meets the surrounding skin there are at least three small gaps or breaks in the skin. It’s a little alarming. I hope that this is normal at this stage!

More Healing: I’ve also noticed that everything is less tender now. The pain in the side of my groin is mostly gone and most of the other tender spots are getting better. I can now easily lift my legs for soaping and drying, but climbing stairs is still somewhat hard. I’m definitely getting an increased confidence from not having a bulge between my legs or parts that don’t belong. I feel more genuine.

Update: This & That

2005-09-14T13:46:00.000-05:00

Pooping: It was well more than a week after surgery before pooping seemed to be a normal function again. Before that it was coming so infrequently that each one was like a religious experience; I think my moans of relief must have sounded orgasmic. The thing I've noticed is that my whole "poop cycle" has changed. It used to be that I'd sit to poop and first I’d pee a little, then I’d poop, and then I’d pee a little more. This final pee was the signal that I was done. Now, I poop some, pee some, and then have to poop some more. I never quite feel like I’m done pooping. I don’t understand why all this would have changed since the surgery doesn’t touch the bladder or bowel. Could shortening the urethra be the root cause?

Minor Milestones: Yesterday I finished my Arnica Montana and took my last antibiotic pill. I’m supposed to continue the acidophilus for 2 weeks after the antibiotic. I must admit that my bruising has been rather mild. However, I’m not ready to attribute it to the Arnica.

Swelling: After the packing came out I remember thinking that my mons looked like a mountain. Now, much of the swelling is gone and my mons is now more like a small hillock. My labia are still quite swollen and look like clown’s lips.

General Wellbeing: I’m feeling pretty good, however, I tire easily. By 8:30PM or so I’m feeling pretty wiped out. A few times a day I feel the need to lie on my back and get the pressure off of my abdomen. My life is controlled by my dilation schedule. The reduction to 3 times a day will make a huge difference and is a prerequisite for going back to work full time.

Counter Height: I've discovered that my kitchen counters, as well as my dresser, are just the right height to intersect my abdomen at its most tender point. Ouch!

Some Details

2005-09-13T11:45:00.000-05:00

The flight home was uneventful but the early morning start, all the sitting, and the general tension wore me out. The night before I probably only slept 1 hour but on the plane I never felt tired. I guess I was running on adrenaline. I lost most of it on the ride home from the airport. I finally closed my eyes but I never fell asleep. On the 4.5-hour flight I had to pee about 3 times. There were two bathrooms but only one gave warm water from the tap for squirting off after peeing. I got the other bathroom twice. I was cool on the plane and sat with a blanket draped across me. This gave me an opportunity to massage my abdomen without drawing looks.

Carrying my donut got me lots of sympathetic looks from the women and fearful looks from the men.

I hate douching and can't wait until it's no longer a daily event.

I hate spritzing to clean after peeing and can't wait until it's no longer a daily event.

Dilation gets easier each time. Still, when the dilator first starts to part the PC muscle my toes start to curl and I start to tense up. I have to consciously tell myself to relax. Relax!

My perineum is always sore.

Feminine protective pads are uncomfortable. They must be designed by men. I need something narrow or hourglass shaped. Not easy to find. From a comfort standpoint thinner is better but thinner is less protective. Even with Michele's help ("Welcome to my world") it's been mostly trial and error.

Phantom Pain: No real pain, but I've written about a pressure that feels just like when I used to tuck. I can't really localize it anywhere so I guess it qualifies as phantom pain.

Phantom Behavior: I find myself often reaching between my legs when I sit down to pee. It took me a bit to realize that this is a leftover action of putting my penis down into place to pee.

Bare Bones Catch Up

2005-09-12T20:24:00.000-05:00

The last few days have been busy and I've been too tired to blog.

Saturday was travel day. It was physically grueling: up at 4AM to dilate and get ready. Check out at 6AM. Drive to airport to drop off rental car. Shuttle to the airport. Got there 1.5 hours early so we found some coffee and then just hung out until boarding at 8:40. Takeoff at 9:10, arrive at 4:30PM EDT. Get bag from baggage claim. Hookup with limo driver. Arrive home around 6PM. Dilate. Dinner. Hang out. Dilate. Collapse into bed and fall asleep. At each aiport Michele arranged a wheelchair for me. At PHX the "driver" was really nice, the terminal quiet, and the trip was smooth. At IRD the terminal was packed and the driver seemed to think that everyone should watch out for him. At least half a dozen times I was sure I'd end up with someone in my lap. It was terrifying.

Sunday: Up around 9, dilate. Breakfast. Shower, douche. Hang out. 1PM, dilate. Mani-pedi appointment at 3PM. Come home, dilate. Go to parents' house for dinner; instead of a quiet visit and dinner I was surprised to find my son there watching the Giants-Arizona football game with my Dad; then informed my daughter and ex would be over later for dinner. It was great to see the kids but we didn't get home until after 8:30; I was dead tired. Hang out. Dilate. Go to bed.

Monday: Up around 9:30, dilate. Breakfast. Shower, douche. Dive into my work email, start responding. Lunch. Dilate. More email then a 1.5 hour conference call. Hang out. Pick up daughter. Dinner. Dilate. Catch up on personal email, lay out on recliner with massage pad. More email. Put daughter to bed. Blog.

Things I’ve Forgotten to Remember (or Mention)

2005-09-09T20:15:00.000-05:00

First Meal: I remember lying pretty flat on my back and Michele feeding me chicken noodle soup. I was so flat I remember it being very hard to chew and swallow without choking. The soup was pretty good; I had it frequently while I was there. However, avoid the lunch chicken sandwich; it’s pasty dry.

First Night: I remember breathing so shallow that the oxygen monitor kept sounding. I’d take a few deeper breaths and it would go quiet. I remember waking up frequently with a terribly dry mouth and throat and it being very hard to drink and swallow without choking. I can’t remember if I needed Michele’s assistance each time.

Third Day: Looking forward to getting out of bed. After two straight days in bed my butt was really sore; I couldn’t wait to get up and get the pressure off of it. It remained red and sore for many days and I couldn’t help but rub it whenever I was up and walking about. I must have been quite a sight.

First week: My blood pressure being below 100. I’m sure it was like 85 over 50 or lower; cracking 100 became a big event. By the time I was discharged it was back up to around 125 over 75.

First Pee: It was beginner’s luck; I haven’t had such a nice stream since. Now, whenever I pee much of it tends to run down off my thighs and buttocks. Curious thing: I can’t feel myself peeing at all. Without looking I only know I’m peeing by the sound and the easing bladder pressure. I guess most of the sensation before was in the penis. I wonder if there will be a change in this as the swelling decreases?

Freedom from Tucking: I had been planning to post something like “Vaginoplasty, $17900; Incidentals, (untallied); Never having to tuck, Priceless!” It’s actually true, but at the moment the pressure at the front of my groin feels almost identical to what it felt like to tuck. I can only assume this will lessen as the swelling goes away.

Harder on the Outside

2005-09-09T12:25:00.000-05:00

It’s harder not being in the hospital! We packed up and left the Greenbaum about 2PM. On the way home we stopped off at the mall to buy Godiva chocolates for Meltzer’s office staff and deliver them to his office. We also bought an “Arizona” gift for my son, an Arizona Diamondbacks shirt. Back at the resort we bought a pink Scottsdale shirt for my daughter and a pair of turquoise earrings. Later we went out to fill my prescription for a sleep aid, get dinner, and pick up a few needed drugstore items. We got back to the apartment around 9PM and I basically killed time until my 11PM dilation. By the time I was done with that my personal gas gauge was empty and I was running on fumes. It took all of my dwindling energy and concentration to get cleaned up and into bed. I tried to sleep without the Ambien but 15 or so minutes later I gave up and crawled out of bed for sleep relief. Ah sweet sleep!

It’s all about the abdominals. The abdominal muscles support almost everything we do and it’s the abdominal area that received the most “abuse” during the surgery. Both standing and sitting put pressure on this area and on my swollen vaginal area. Laying down is the most comfortable position and gentle abdominal massage is wonderful. Passing the entire day in bed would have been acceptable in the hospital but it can hardly be done on the outside.

Tomorrow, with our flight home, is going to be hard. I hope I don’t get too bitchy.

A funny aside: the tops we bought the other day for wearing home are probably maternity tops. Michele mentioned that at the time we bought them. I don’t see a problem with this as I did just give birth to a bouncing baby vagina. Between the top and the way I’m waddling about I probably look just like a postpartum woman.

Moving Out

2005-09-08T12:31:00.000-05:00

This is my last day at the Greenbaum and I’m almost ready to head out. There’s still a bit of packing to do but it’s almost time to go. I’ve got my final med orders and I have my “legal letter”, the one that states that I’ve has SRS in accordance with the Benjamin standards. I need to send copies to MVA, medical insurance, etc.

Last night was a bit rough. I needed to do a dilation around midnight or 1AM and another around 7AM. It was hard to figure out the first dilation: do I go to bed for 2-3 hours and then get up or just stay up? I decided to get some sleep first but it turned out that I couldn’t sleep and was still up at midnight. I was still awake at 1AM, itchy again and unable to sleep. Finally I asked for a sleep aid.

My shower this morning was my first without something hanging out of me. What a great feeling. Everything is still very swollen but I can get an idea of what it’s all going to look like and it all looks good. I’ve got many areas that are pretty much numb, including a 2”x4” area below my navel and above my mons. Just below that are two small dimples, evidence of the two internal sutures that hold the far end of the vagina.

It’s been a great adventure so far and I am so thankful to have Michele here with me, every step of the way.

Phantom Pain?

2005-09-07T22:23:00.000-05:00

One of my friends asked me if I’ve experienced any phantom pain. The answer is basically no. I don’t feel anything from a missing penis. However, I do have a pain caused by my former male anatomy. Since a few days after surgery I’ve been complaining of a pain on the upper left side of my groin. My first fear was that we’d caused a hernia. I’ve had two on the right side and I can’t imagine how problematic it would be to get a hernia repair for an injury caused by “elective” surgery. I mentioned my pain to many people but I kept forgetting about it when Dr M was here. Bobby said she has a pain in the same place and Miranda said she has one on the other side. Nobody had a cause to offer. I finally mentioned it to Dr M tonight and he said that it’s usually caused by the remnants of the spermatic cord contracting back after surgery. I can’t wait for the pain to pass.

Milestones

2005-09-07T18:30:00.000-05:00

I just passed another milestone: I had my Foley catheter removed. Nurse Janet, accompanied by Linda T, came by around 2PM. The catheter was out pretty quickly after that. First thing, they deflate a balloon that holds the catheter in. After that it’s a matter of gently drawing out the tube. The immediate sensation was of an intense urge to pee, accompanied by a burning sensation. Thankfully, the feeling was short-lived and everything else went smoothly. I had my first pee about 40 minutes later. I immediately reported this to the duty nurse as instructed. I also need to tell them about pee #2. I’ve heard all sorts of stories about the first pees spraying everywhere. This didn’t happen for me. I had a pretty good stream with just a little bit of dripping further back. I’m instructed to clean up using a squirt bottle. So, there are no more tethers tying this girl down.

4:25 Update: I just accomplished pee #2. Woo Hoo! I feel like such a big girl; I went potty!

Dilation #13

2005-09-07T15:40:00.000-05:00

It’s hard to keep track, but I think I just did #13. Lucky number 13. Truly a queer feeling. Just now, inserting the dilator felt like depressing a plunger; the further I inserted Junior the more internal and back pressure I felt. I never got the stent inserted as far as usual and the overall feeling was “get this thing out of me!” I went the full 15 minutes, but not a minute extra.

Complications!

2005-09-07T12:05:00.001-05:00

I’m scheduled to leave tomorrow but I have my first complication today. I woke up this morning to find a rash on the side and back of my pelvis with a spreading up my back and down my legs. At 8AM the nurse said it was likely a reaction to the Celebrex and she’d get something for me. She told me shortly after that she did not have an order for Benadryl but would get right on it. It was not until after 9:30, and Michele calling Dr M’s office directly, that I finally got the Benadryl and some topical hydrocotisone. Now, I’m trying to be calm and quiet and let everything resolve. I hope that this won’t set anything else back!

A Successful Outing

2005-09-06T22:56:00.000-05:00

Today I ventured out of the hospital for the second time. I’m glad to be able to report that I had a much better time this time. Michele and I made our break around 11AM. Our destination was the timeshare but along the way we stopped at Walmart Super Center. I wanted to find something comfortable to wear while traveling home. Earlier in the week Michele bought me some knit shorts, not too tight. I decided to try to find a tunic or long shirt that would go with. We were successful, finding a sleeveless top that comes down to the thighs. I liked it so much (at $7) that I bought two, one in pink and one in blue. We also bought some fruit (hoping it will get me regular) and I couldn’t pass up a warm, soft pretzel as a snack. We then headed to the timeshare where all I wanted to do was snuggle in bed with Michele (not possible on a hospital bed!) Later we headed off to lunch at Carlos O’Brien where we got the same table as last week. I had the shredded chicken taco salad. I love their chicken! Does anyone know the story with the Irish Mexican thing? After lunch it was back home for dilation and relaxation. My first “dilation on the road” was a success. We got back to the hospital around 4PM. I was quite tired but please with how everything went.

We haven’t made plans for tomorrow. I get my Foley catheter out and I think I need to stay near a toilet afterwards.

Dilations 2, 3, 4, 5 and Douching #1

2005-09-06T22:39:00.000-05:00

5PM, 9PM, 2AM, and 7AM. Dilation #2 at 9PM was my first solo. Remember everything I was told: “Keep your hands down, weight on your back foot, let the clutch out slowly.” I may be a little bit confused. Actually, the three most important things are relax, relax, relax; when you feel resistance, relax some more. For this reason, the 2AM dilation was the best of the bunch. Although I had to be woken up for it, I was very relaxed. What’s dilation like? Hard to compare it to anything else I’m familiar with. I can say that it leaves me with a dull ache in the center of my being. A warm, moist washcloth, or a warm water bottle after dilation helps everything to relax. Yes, relaxing is the key for me!

Part of the dilation process has you smearing Surgilube onto the stent (we’re calling stent #1 “Junior”). Instead of wiping the lube from my finger to a paper towel I’ve started applying this extra to my vagina. What an interesting feeling. So far the inside of my vagina doesn’t have much feeling, but to my finger it feels nice and soft, just like a vagina should. Somewhat gross is the fact that my finger always comes out with some “gunk” (use your imagination). For that reason I’d been looking forward to my first douching, hoping it would flush out the gunk. I guess it helped, but not as much right away as I had hoped. I guess I need to be content with a little improvement everyday. How did the douching feel? It also left me sore.

The View from My Window

2005-09-06T18:57:00.000-05:00

The Greenbaum is a pretty nice place, clean, bright, and pretty quiet. However, there’s not a heck of a lot to do in my hospital room. If I’m not resting in bed then I’m probably sitting in a chair near the window taking in the view. Although there are beautiful mountains on the horizon my view is dominated by the roof. Beyond the roof, right in the middle, is the sign welcoming you to Old Scottsdale. Nearby, to the left is the EZ Tattoo. To the right is the Scottsdale Pawn Shop. There are three building cranes but I don’t recall seeing any in use. Maybe they’ve been on Labor Day break all week.

My room is incredibly quiet. The only exception has been the frequent growl of souped up cars or the like. I couldn’t figure out why these were so frequent until it was pointed out to me that there is a biker bar across the street, just to the left of the Old Scottsdale sign.

If you are coming for a stay at the Greenbaum consider asking for room 1 or 2. These are on the other side of the floor and have a slightly more picturesque view. At the very least, avoiding rooms 12, 14, 15, 16, 17, and 18 should limit the noise from the bar.

Dilation #1

2005-09-05T17:41:00.001-05:00

Dr. M and Linda T arrived around 12:30 to remove my sutures and packing. Removing the stitches at the top was OK but towards the bottom it pinched or pulled quite a bit and was a bit painful. The packing came out with little fanfair or sensation, just a little pulling feeling. A new thing that Dr M is doing is to first soak the packing in saline and peroxide to soften it. I felt a little bit of bubbling from the peroxide but nothing much else. After removing the packing it was time for my first dilation, stent #1. After slathering it with Surgilube, in it went with little resistance or sensation. Dr M held it in for just a bit and then withdrew it. Now it was my turn! I seemed to get it just right the first time and it slid home pretty easily. 20 minutes later and dilation #1 was done. I hope that my first solo goes as well.

Yesterday and Today

2005-09-05T12:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Michele and I ventured out for lunch, my first time out of the hospital. In my opinion it was a disaster. I was completely uncomfortable, emotionally and physically, and it completely wiped me out. In many ways I feel like I failed a test. This whole thing has turned out to be physically more demanding than I expected. I figured that I’m in really good shape from my bike riding and rock climbing and I’d have a decent time of it. Turns out no. So, I think this has brought me down emotionally.

Last night I slept very poorly. It hardly ever felt like I was truly asleep. And when I did sleep I kept having bizarre dreams. I should have asked for a sleep aid.

Today is a big day. Today my sutures and packing come out and I start my dilation. Check out those stents! They come in a very nice terry cloth pouch with a separate compartment for each stent. I like the way they kinda glow from the camera flash. The one the right I call “Big Max”. I’m not sure that will ever go into me!

Every day, a new adventure. I wonder when it will all feel like me.

Viewpoints

2005-09-04T18:44:00.000-05:00

On the news today they talked about the terrible high humidity; 43%. We'd give almost anything for only 43% humidity during a Washington summer!

Not Ready for Out

2005-09-04T17:56:00.000-05:00

We decided yesterday that today would be the day we get out of the hospital. Our goal and destination would be Oregano's Pizza Bistro for lunch, literally just across the street. When the time came I was not feeling up for it. Michele helped me into the dress we bought here, no bra because she forgot that. No jewelry or purse either. I hobbled to the elevator. No sunglasses. When we got there we were told it would be a 30 minute wait, outside. Hot, no sunglasses, feeling very conspicuous with my hospital wristbands and bright blue donut, very uncomfortable. After 10 or 15 minutes they take us to a table inside, raised café chairs at a café table. There’s no way in hell I’m getting up into those chairs! Back outside to an outside table, under umbrellas, in a mist, in front of the swamp cooler. Noisy, and my bottom and I are soon not on speaking terms. The food was good but all I could think about was getting back to my nice, cool, quiet room. Nap time!

A Load Off My Mind

2005-09-03T17:14:00.000-05:00

If you had 2:20PM in the pool, Congratulations, you are a winner! The feeling to poop came on so fast that I was practically half way to the bathroom before Michele noticed I was still connected to the foley bag. Good catch, that might have hurt! I was afraid that pooping might hurt but it really didn’t. At the end I was rewarded with the feeling that I needed to pee; first time for that. Up until now it’s merely been a mechanical thing, “oh, it’s been an hour, time to pee.” Cleaning myself up after pooping is not yet second nature. I was afraid to wipe in the wrong place and mess up my stitches. I did my best and then rinsed off the area in the shower with the detachable spray head. When I was done I took a “Victory Lap” around the floor. The nurses just told me that 15 laps is a mile. The most I’ve done at one time is 2 laps.

The Bowel Watch

2005-09-03T14:56:00.000-05:00

Want to join a pool? Just take a guess for when I’ll have my first bowel movement! I had my last bowel movement on Tuesday morning before surgery. Since then I’ve eaten at least 10 meals, but there’s nothing doing down below. I’m not in any discomfort but I recognize that I’ve GOT to poop some time soon or it will become a problem. I had some prune juice before lunch. Maybe that will do the trick.

It’s better sitting with the donut than without but it’s still not very good with the donut.

I have little energy.

I’m bored!

Friday Wrapup

2005-09-03T09:55:00.000-05:00

It felt so good yesterday to be able to get up and move around as much as I wanted. Standing is the only position that takes all the pressure off of my bottom and my back. I did a lot of standing and walking. I guess it caught up with me later; I crawled into bed around 1PM. The next thing I knew it was almost 5:30.

For a change we ordered in Chinese food. It was good to have something other than hospital food but it didn’t sit really well with me. I basically ate it because I know that I need to eat.

By 8PM I was feeling chilled and climbed back into bed and covered up with 3 blankets. It turns out that I had a low grade fever, 99.3.

In the middle of the night I woke up from a bizarre dream and knocked my cup of water onto myself. The nursing staff had me fixed up right away.

I am so thankful to have Michele here with me. I know it has to be hard for her to just sit here while I nap, etc. I’ve gone around and met all the other girls who are here. Basically I’m the only one who has someone here with them. The nursing staff is great but it’s nice to have someone special who can help me with everything.

More Like Human

2005-09-02T21:26:00.000-05:00

It’s been a good day so far. Early this morning I got my last dose of IV antibiotic. When it was done my IV was removed. Yeah! Then just before breakfast my drains were removed. It was a very queer feeling, but not really painful. All I have left now is the foley catheter. Also yeah! I’m free to cap it off and go roaming. It felt wonderful to stand up and get all the pressure off of my bottom. I took a shower and got almost all of the tangles out of my hair.

Although the food is pretty good it is the same menu for each meal each day. I don’t think I’m ready for an outing but we may order something in.

Queer Feelings

2005-09-01T15:19:00.000-05:00

So far everything “down below” is pretty much without feeling. However, there’s definitely some sort of queer feelings from my bladder. Today, after two days on a catheter I began “bladder training”. This involves unplugging the collection bag and capping off the drain on my side.. That’s really no big deal. However, releasing things causes some sort of a vacuum in the bladder. It’s a feeling I can’t really describe.

I’ve been up walking 4 times today and I had a short visit with Marlee (she leaves tomorrow) and Miranda. Miranda and I are sort of “vagina mates” since we both had our surgery on the same day. She’s at the far end of the hall. The walk there was OK but I soon found that I wasn’t feeling very social.

The Land of the Living

2005-09-01T12:13:00.000-05:00

I guess today is Thursday. I remember Monday; Monday was bowel prep day. Tuesday; I remember getting up, showering and heading to the surgery center. I remember being surprised at how many people were there at 5:30 for procedures. After doing some paperwork I was brought back for blood pressure, etc. I was then put into bed and Michele was allowed to come and stay with me. I think they carted me off right around 7:30. Once I was given the versed I was gone. The rest of Tuesday was pretty much a blur. Yesterday, Wednesday, I was confined to bed all day. My back and rear end started really bothering me. All I could do is wait it out until today when I was allowed to get up. What a treat! Of course, now other things are bothersome. Taking a shower was wonderful.

What about the experience so far? It’s actually true that there’s not much pain, There’s definitely pressure down there and I’ve been finding it hard to ignore a feeling of needing to pee, That’s all taken care of by the catheter. My main problems have been my back and my sit area and my hands being swollen and tiingly. Dr M says this is due to the 5 liters of fluids they put into me during the surgery. Apparently I had gotten dehydrated from the bowel prep.

The food’s not bad for hospital food and all of the staff have been wonderful.

I’ve taken two walks down to the nurse’s station.

I’ll be ready for a nap pretty soon.

Nine and a Half Hours

2005-08-30T21:00:00.000-05:00

This will likely be my last entry for a few days. Michele will be with me and she will be writing about whatever is going on. Until I’m back, be sure to follow along on her blog.

Basically there are nine and a half hours to go. Surgery is scheduled for 7:30AM MST; we need to be there at 5:30. I’ve no idea what will be going on for those two hours. I hope it’s not just a bunch of sitting around. Dr Meltzer said to figure that the surgery will be finished about 3 ½ hours after 8AM. Michele hasn’t yet decided exactly what she’ll do during that time. She can come back here for a while or hang out there. I know she wants to stay close but there’s really nothing for her to do but wait. At that point it will he harder on her than it will be on me.

Dr Meltzer said that there really isn’t a lot of post surgery pain, less than what I had with my hernia surgeries. I hope he is right.

Interesting anecdote: during the physical exam he remarked on my genital electrolysis saying that I’d likely have to do some more between this vaginoplasty and the labiaplasty. He mentioned that when he first started telling people that they should do the genital electrolysis he didn’t really believe that people would actually do it. Yeah, it hurts, but it beats having hair growing out of your vagina.

Talk to you again in a few days. Thanks for being here with me.

Ode to a Penis

2005-08-29T17:24:00.000-05:00

Nah, just kidding.

At my last session with my counselor she asked if I felt a need to say goodbye to my penis. No, definitely not. I was once asked what the difference is between a transsexual and a cross dresser. I think it lies somewhere with the penis. For a transsexual they want nothing more than to get rid of their penis. A cross dresser (or a regular guy) can’t envision life without a penis.

No, not gonna miss it!

Pre-Op Post Factum

2005-08-29T11:15:00.000-05:00

I’m cleared for take-off, all systems are go. I had had a fear that “something” would make it necessary to postpone the surgery. I’m very glad to have a green light.

I’m impressed by the office staff. Everyone is friendly and courteous and Toby is great. His bedside manner is wonderful. He spent quite a while talking with us and answering all of my questions about post-op care and return to activities and all of Michele’s questions. We also spoke about the labiaplasty (scheduled for January 16) and the possibility of breast augmentation. In regards to breast augmentation I had been wondering if it’s best to do this with Toby or see a breast specialist. After talking with Toby I’m convinced that it would be better with him; he understands the anatomy of the male body and the special consideration that must be given for a natural look and superior outcome.

I woke up this morning with a painful stiff neck. I just scheduled a deep tissue massage for 1PM. Hopefully this will get me straightened out and feeling more ready for tomorrow. I’d also like to get in a mani-pedi. Tonight I need to shave my legs, figuring that it may be difficult for a while.

I’m on my all day liquid diet in preparation of the “dreaded bowel prep”. This will be my third since May. At least this time I’m allowed Ensure nutrition drinks rather than being limited to clear liquids (chicken broth may make a great stock for soups but on it’s own doesn’t even come close to being filling or seeming like a meal). I can almost convince myself that the Ensure shake is good.

19 hours to go!

Stranger in a Strange Land

2005-08-28T17:20:00.000-05:00

We’re definitely not in DC anymore. The first thing that hits you (and hits you hard) is the heat. It’s downright oppressive. 2pm and it’s 107 degrees! I don’t care if it’s “a dry heat”, it’s still 107 and it takes your breath away. The landscape is so very different. Basically, this is a desert and the flora and fauna reflect it, cactus and the like. They are beautiful in their own way but very different from the plants back east. Why did people decide this would be a good place to live? How did they survive without air conditioning, especially back when most of the clothes were woolen?!?

Michele just asked why we’re doing this now and not in September or October. This was the first date open after the fulfillment of my one year real life experience. I didn’t want to wait.

We spent the morning checking out the area. We took a test drive to the Greenbaum Surgery Center: 15.5 miles, 20 minutes. We tried to go inside and look around but the patient’s entrance was closed. We’ll have to find out tomorrow where there’s an entrance for off-hour visiting. Afterwards we went to Walmart. I found another dress, not as cute as the one we left at the cleaners but it was only $14. We also picked up a few things to make our stay easier: a different shower head, a shower organizer, a non-stick pan and plastic utensils, and various things we left at home or forgot to buy yesterday.

We ate lunch at Carlos O’Brien. I don’t get the Irish/Mexican name, but they make great food. Their chicken dishes are wonderful. I don’t know what they marinate it in but mmm, mmm, mmm.

After lunch we drove north to Cave Creek and stopped at the Town Dump, a store, not a real dump. The dump sells a queer assortment of pottery, furniture, object d’art, and the like. There was one room devoted to cattle skulls. If that's the decor you're shooting for, then this is your place. I picked up this cute Mexican pottery lizard for me and sun pendant for Michele.

We’re meeting Donna Rose for dinner. Back to the Cheesecake Factory. Apparently we will be joined by a friend of Donna who had her SRS last week, Becky Allison, Toby Meltzer, Linda Takata (from Meltzer’s office), and possibly a few others. It seems weird meeting my surgeon for dinner.

I have this fear that we’ll go to the pre-op and there will be some reason why he can’t operate now. The appointment is 9:30 am tomorrow. I can’t wait to get through it.

Daily Expenses
Walmart $92.52
Lunch $34.00
Groceries $14.87

Off to See the Wizard

2005-08-27T21:30:00.000-05:00

The Wonderful Wizard of AZ

We made it. We’re in Scottsdale! Our day started at 4:15 EST; limo to the airport, 6:15; flight to Denver, 8:45; connecting flight to Phoenix, 11:35 MDT; arrive in AZ, 12:30 MST. Feeling totally wiped out. The entire flight between Denver and Phoenix I felt headachy, sweaty, upset stomach. I think the total lack of a normal eating schedule is punishing my body! Finally ate a real meal around 2:30, lunch at Cheesecake factory. Already been up for over 12 hours.

On all the flights I wore Bose Quiet Comfort 2 headphones. Their noise canceling function is great! I don’t know how people fly without them. The constant low frequency rumble of the airplane engines is one of the leading causes of travel fatigue.

Checked into the room around 3:30. Michele traded her week at Virginia Beach for a week at a timeshare in Scottsdale (the same place we stayed when we were here last October, courtesy of Merri’s daughter’s timeshare). A nice place, definitely better than a hotel. All I want is to soak in a cool tub of water. Problem: in Arizona in August, there’s no such thing as cold water! The best I can do is warmish water. Still, being only half covered and letting evaporation work it’s wonders, it’s good enough.

Right now I crave nothing more than some real quiet. The headphones helped on the airplanes, but the air conditioning fan in the car, the air conditioning in the room, there’s no real quiet to be had and I can’t take it anymore. So, headphones on, stretched out on the bed under the ceiling fan. Ah, quiet! Next thing I know, it’s 7PM and Michele is zonked out on the bed next to me. We drag ourselves out of bed, dress, and head off for grocery shopping. Been up for 17 hours.

Back home: unpack the groceries, finally eat the piece of cheesecake we brought home from lunch. Into bed about 10PM. Up for a total of about 21 hours straight.

Welcome to Scottsdale!

Expenses for the day:
Limo to airport $82.00
Snack on Plane $10.00
Wheel chair tip $5.00
McDonalds snack at DEN $6.17
Late Lunch $50.00
Groceries $94.10

Losing it!

2005-08-26T20:17:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow we head to Scottsdale. We have a limo picking us up at 6:15 am to take us to the airport. It's crunch time and the little things are really starting to get to me; my coping skills are starting to fall apart. I had carefully planned it so that I'd have a nice, loose, summery dress to wear after my surgery. We never picked it up from the cleaners. It is almost bringing me to tears. I want to print out the instructions for my bowel prep but the printer won't print black and white because it's out of color ink. I'm ready to bite someone's head off! Arrgh!!! I have to regain some sense of calm or I'll spontaneously combust before Tuesday.

This interlude brought to you by P.M.S.

I just completely lost it over the dress. Crying like a baby! Now I've got no energy to do anything. I want to snack!

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

2005-08-22T21:30:00.000-05:00

We leave for Arizona on Friday and the surgery is on Tuesday. After waiting 10 months it is practically here. Sometimes, when I realize how close it is, it takes my breathe away. No, I'm not having second thoughts, not questioning why. No, it's simply recognition of how much there is still to take care of, how much there is still to go through. Really, the last major tasks are packing and traveling. I keep remembering things that we need to take with us, things that I was told to bring, but I also keep trying to decide what can be left behind. While I can carry bags on the way there I need to assume that it's all on Michele on the way back. I think we'll try to ship back whatever we can do without right away upon return. We'll be out there 14 days but I'll be in the hospital for 9 of them so I don't need much clothes. What I do bring has to be forgiving to a tender abdomen: shirts dresses, loose shirts and baggy pants, a nightgown rather than pajamas with pants. Do I need sneakers or can I get away with just sandals? I want to say no sneakers but I don't know if we'll do any sight seeing on Sunday. Probably better to be safe and bring the sneakers. Yeah, I can always ship them home.

I've read so much about what is done during surgery, what normally happens on what day afterwards, what the facilities are like. Now, I need to experience it all for myself. How much will it hurt? Will I be up for out-of-the-hospital excursions? How bad is dilation? How long will I be out of work? How soon can I start exercising again? What will sex be like, will I be orgasmic? What's female orgasm like anyway?!? It's a whole new world of experience and at times it feels overwhelming. I'd rather deal with a reality that's not quite what I wanted than to have to wonder what will be. I hate this uncertainty! Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do but prepare and wait.

The Party's Over

2005-08-22T20:43:00.000-05:00

I'd like to thank all my friends for the pre-SRS party they threw for me on Saturday. I was afraid that it might turn into a "Fred is Dead" kinda thing. Instead, it was a nice get-together with my closest friends. One of the most interesting parts was when each person was asked to tell some anecdote about me. When I was president of TGEA I knew that some people looked to me as a role model. It wasn't apparent to me until Saturday that so do some of my friends. Rachel got most emotional, as she told how for a while we used to seem to be progressing in parallel. However, the day I started hormones was the day she decided she would need to follow another path. It's a choice she says she's at peace with, but the thought of what she's given up sometimes overwhelms her. Several people mentioned things that I had forgotten. I was glad that the whole thing was a nice, warm moment rather than a "roast". I even got a few presents! The balloon in the picture was from Roxanne. It really made me laugh. I was also given some girlie underwear from Target with the interesting company name of "Fred is Red." Too cute.

Possibly the most interesting was a picture frame from Jenny. She put a picture in the frame that I couldn't figure out for a while. First I thought it was a picture from my recent colonoscopy and then I thought that it was a neovagina (this possibility really scared me because I couldn't really pick out the expected features). Finally, she told me that it was a picture of a clam, since she predicts that I will end up "happy as a clam."

I had some nice, intimate talks with some of my friends. Of the group, only Jenny is post-op. What surprised me from her is how much she downplays the whole experience. She had her surgery in Thailand and, by preference, made the trip alone (I was never prepared to do this alone!) She says she was going out shopping three days after surgery and that she never needed to sit on a doughnut. She also said that the main, 15 hour flight back was no big deal. Is she serious or is this something akin to what a mother experiences after childbirth, loss of negative details? I wonder if I may experience the same sort of selective memory. In my case, however, I will have Michele there to observe and record the truth. I hope that Jenny's version is truly accurate and that I have a similar experience!

I know that several of my friends wish it was them going now for surgery. Some have already made the conscious decision to forgo surgery. Others are still too unsure of where their journey will take them. I'm glad to have them all wishing me Bon Voyage!

Past, Present, and Future?

2005-08-16T09:46:00.000-05:00

My friends are planning a pre-SRS party for me. I'm not sure if it is for the purpose of sending me off with well wishes or if it's to be a "Fred is Dead" sort of thing. If it's the latter, I feel it's a year too late. Last year, when I went full time, was when I felt a "Fred is Dead" party was appropriate. There I was, bagging up all of "his" clothes and hauling it to Goodwill in order to make room for "her" clothes. For me it was a time of turning a page in my book of life. As much as I want the surgery and I look forward to my post-op body I feel that going full time was more of a defining moment in my life. It was at that moment that I finally got to be who I knew myself to be, to be that person all day, every day. At that moment I stepped forward into the world, declared my presence, and was accepted as a woman. It was a bold, public event. In contrast, SRS is a private thing. For many, it affects only themselves. In my case it also affects Michele, hopefully for the benefit of us both. Going full time was "having your cake and eating it, too". SRS is the icing on the cake; an added benefit that makes everything else sweeter.

In actuality, Fred will always be with me. Fred is my past. Nicole is my present and future. While I don't want to return to that past, neither do I want to deny it. Fred will never die, but I think it's his turn to live in the closet.

The Great Unknown

2005-08-15T22:00:00.000-05:00

Michele has just written an initial piece regarding her concerns about our post-op life. She wonders how it will all turn out: will I become more comfortable with myself, how will our intimacy change, will my outlook on things change? All that I can think is that everything is going to get better (am I being optimistic or naive?) I've reached a point where I'm comfortable with who I am and where I'm going. Unfortunately, I'm not yet as comfortable with my body. Having a penis means that I have a fear of "exposure", a fear that I might be "found out" to be something I don't appear to be. I "need" a vagina, the final membership card to the world of women. I figure it's a given that I'll become more confident in myself. I'm counting on it!

I think that Michele is worried about something that Rusty Lynn, a counselor, said at our last support group meeting. He said something to the idea that a person who is uncomfortable with her self is likely to still be uncomfortable after surgery. I think that he was talking about the need to work out life issues before surgery. GRS is definitely not a cure-all; an unhappy, poorly adjusted TS isn't miraculously going to know how to relate to other people or become a good parent. That sort of thing takes work, possibly years of therapy and counseling. A T* is doing himself a disservice to not work through this stuff before surgery. In fact, it's for this reason the Benjamin Standards exist. I've done my work. True, my breasts will still be smaller than I'd like and my shoulders are never going to get any narrower. My body image still needs some work.

What about intimacy? So far, it's been a bit frustrating. I don't really like thinking about, or using, my penis as a sexual organ anymore. Michele is a lesbian who had no experience with a penis. She's done her best to give me an enjoyable experience but it hasn't been easy for either of us. Following surgery I'll be anatomically more what she's used to but there's no guarantee that I'll respond in the same way as a genetic woman. I know I'm concerned about this. She must be, too. The bottom line is that we both love each other and want to work together to find mutually satisfactory solutions. That's what intimacy is all about.

Will my outlook change? I'm not sure what she's talking about here. We need to talk.