Countdown to Surgery & Life after Surgery

Year-end Review

2007-01-02T22:44:00.000-05:00

Obviously it's been a very long time since I last posted anything to my blog. Basically, things have settled down to "normal" and I've moved on with life. I'm going to do a year-end wrap up and then post additional updates at some limited periods.

Tour de Cure
My American Diabetes Tour de Cure ride was a wonderful experience. I raised over $2100 and biked further than I had ever done (25 miles). I've since gotten really into biking, bought a new road bike and logged more than 900 miles since September. This year I'll be riding the 50 mile event. I'd really appreciate your financial support for this worthy cause. If you've received any value from reading my blog or website, please consider repaying this through a donation.

Urinary Tract Infections
I had three or four urinary tract infections during a three month period and went to see my urologist. When he examined me he told me that if he didn't know my history he never would had guessed that my vagina was not natural. Dr Meltzer is the best! Anyhow...he determined that I wasn't completely emptying my bladder and scheduled me for a cystoscopy (endoscopic examination of the urethra and bladder). This showed that my prostate was constricting my urethra, causing my lousy urine stream, the trouble emptying my bladder, and it's associated frequency of urination. I'm now taking a drug for benign prostatic enlargement that relaxed the muscles of the prostate. It's working pretty well. No more UTIs (knock on wood) and the frequent need for urination is greatly reduced. It's so ironic that I can have a prostate that's shriveled up to almost nothing and need to use a drug for BPH. I guess it's just a reminder that underneath it all my anatomy is still male.

Of Support Groups and Friendships
Back in the Spring I was elected to the governing board of my transgender support group. After 1.5 terms as membership director, 2 terms as president, and 2 terms as a civilian, I really had no interest in rejoining the board. However, I was flattered to be asked and was fairly easily talked into it. Not long after taking office I became increasingly appalled by the behavior of some of the other officers and subsequently quit in September, as did three other officers. As a result I no longer attend meetings and none of my friends talk to me anymore. This is quite unfortunate and unexpected. Maybe our friendships were more superficial than I thought. Maybe I didn't know them like I thought I did.

Friends and Their Surgeries
One friend had surgery with Dr Melter in July. Her surgery went well but subsequently she's been having lots of problems with blood clots, bleeding, poor healing, and depression. I know that she does not regret having the surgery but she certainly didn't expect any of the problems. Hopefully she'll be able to get her anti-clotting meds and hormones worked out and get to a state of increased peace.

Another friend was scheduled for surgery with Dr Meltzer in October but has postponed the surgery while she tries to refind her direction. Apparently, as the surgery got close she started rethinking her reasons for wanting surgery. Lately she's been on a new journey to find herself and define her needs. I wish her well.

Triathlon
Some of my family think that I've gone completely crazy because I've decided that I will do a triathlon in August. No, not like the Ironman Triathlons you may have seen on TV. This one is called the Iron Girl Triathlon and consists of a 1000m swim, 17.5 mile bike ride, and a 3.3 mile run. Why? Because I enjoy challenging myself, breaking out of doing only what's easy and expected. It's a continuation of what I found in myself when I was rock climbing. I've got the biking covered, and the running is coming along, but the swim will be the hard part. I discovered that I really don't swim well, and so, I have a trainer helping me to become a swimmer.

Life and Death
My father died on Friday December 8, 2006. He was 75 and had a heart attack either during or shortly following surgery to remove his cancerous bladder. His condition deteriorated over the course of about 3 days. He didn't want to be kept alive by machines and we had his respirator removed when it became obvious that death was near and certain. Making that decision was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I Left My Stent in San Francisco

2006-06-15T13:14:00.000-05:00

Actually, it was Albany, New York, but that doesn't have the same cachet. Anyhow, I was in a hotel in Albany for my Tour de Cure ride and stashed my dilator and equipment in the night stand drawer after use and then forgot all about them. I didn't realize what I had done until I was home and was preparing for my next session. I suddenly hit me that I hadn't packed it. Oh the horror! Luckily, I was only traveling with #3 and could use the next smaller one. It took about 4 separate calls to the hotel before we were able to get them to look in the night stand for it. Apparently the night people don't talk to the day people and nobody is very good at talking with the cleaning staff. Thank goodness they finally got their act together, found the dilator, and sent it on its way back home.

Bike Training/Accident

2006-05-24T11:45:00.000-05:00

My bike riding and training schedule has consisted of riding 10 miles a day, each weekday morning, indoors on a training stand. With the 25 mile Diabetes ride coming up I know I should get out and do at least one 20 mile ride. With this in mind I headed out a week ago last Saturday with Brooke and Andrea for a 20 mile ride on the Mount Vernon Trail. Unfortunately, we had to cut the ride short after the crash. Yes, the crash. We were on a part of the trail where a wooden path takes a curve through the woods and goes over a stream. It appears to stay in the shade all the time so the wood was damp. A guy was coming the other direction way too fast, lost the back of his bike, and went sliding right into Brooke's path. She hit him straight on and went over the handlebars and into the railing, almost falling over into the stream. She ended up with a nasty cut right next to her right eye. When I saw what was happening I hit the brakes so hard that I also lost the rear of my bike and went down on my left knee (it's scraped and bruised but otherwise OK). We turned around and headed to a bike shop for a bandaid and then back home. We convinced Brooke that she needed more than a few butterfly bandages so she went off to the emergency room, refusing to allow anyone to go with her. Four hours later she was back, sporting 7 stitches and ugly bruising, but otherwise in good spirits. We're going to try another ride this weekend.

Last weekend I rode in a small, local event called "Joe's Ride". It's named in memory of a little boy that died of brain cancer. All proceeds go to supporting various childhood disease and care groups. I had decided to do this ride before I decided to do the Tour de Cure and signed up for their 10 kilometer ride. Their only other distance is a 45K ride, more than I want to do, especially at my current level of training. The ride was pretty uneventful and not very challenging. However, we were forced to ride single file on sidewalks and trails meaning that your pace was dictated by the person in front of you. With many children and casual riders involved I was forced to do much of the ride at a pace slower than my liking. There were a few places where I did pass some in front of me and I finished the ride in the front group of 6. While I would have preferred something like a 20k the ride did give me some experience with riding in groups and with the whole cycling event thing.

The Dreaded UTI

2006-05-17T13:58:00.000-05:00

On April 21 I had routine bloodwork and urinalysis done for an upcoming checkup. The following Wednesday I was contacted by my doctor's office telling me I had a urinary tract infection and that they were calling in a prescription for me. I had noticed on Monday or Tuesday a burning sensation just as I would finish peeing. The idea of UTI did flash through my brain so the call on Wednesday made sense. After 10 days on Augmentin (plus a weekend) I went back for another urinalysis. Several days later I was told I had another UTI, this time Pseudomonas, not the Klebsiella from the first one. This time I have had not any typical UTI symptoms and question that I actually have an infection. Since I rarely form a really good urine stream I'm probably not getting a good midstream clean capture. More than likely some of the urine had run off my leg before ending up in the cup. Thus, my "infection" could be due to culture of bacteria that are external contaminants. If I don't come up clean after this round of antibiotics I may have to insist on catheter capture of the urine sample. Goodness knows it's not healthy to be on antibiotics long term.

Diabetes Tour de Cure

2006-04-25T15:19:00.000-05:00

Back in 2003 when I "quit" rock climbing I went looking for a new outlet for my athletic energies. I tried ice skating but the torn ligament in my thumb and the scar on my head convinced me that this was not a safe activity for me. I finally found my way to bike riding. Up until now I've done all of my riding on a trainer stand in my basement, in front of the television. I am now determined to get out on the road and start participating in a few rides. My first ride will be a little, local event called "Joe's Ride", a 10k to benefit a local cancer fund. After that I have my sights set on the American Diabetes Association Tour de Cure ride. I will be joining my cousin's team and riding with the Delmar Chain Gang in Stillwater, NY on Sunday June 11. This ride has special meaning for me since both of my parents, and several other relatives, are diabetic and I am likely prediabetic. Perhaps you'd be willing to sponsor me. If so, please go to my personal tour web page. Your support will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, Nicole

More information on the American Diabetes Association, its programs and diabetes in general can be found at the Association's Web site: www.diabetes.org

For more information on Tour de Cure, please visit www.diabetes.org/tour.

Click here to view the team page for Delmar Chain Gang

Bra Shopping

2006-04-19T09:44:00.000-05:00

Saturday April 15: Bra Day!

I decided to do without a "professional" bra fitting, figuring that I know pretty well what I need. With the variation between brands and styles there's no one right bra size anyway. After trying on many styles it seems that I can fit a 38B, 38C, or 40B, with none of these being consistently better than another. I ended up buying two 40B's. I fill them out pretty well. Overall I'm just a little bit bigger than what I used to pad to. Thankfully, there are only a few blouses that no longer fit. Unfortunately, some of my favorites are in this group. At least I didn't need a whole new wardrobe.

After three weeks without a bra it definitely felt weird to be wearing one again. I was no longer used to the straps and the weight on them. Now, after a few days it feels normal again.

After all the concerns about proper breast size and the like I am quite happy with the results.

Climbing High

2006-04-12T09:59:00.000-05:00

After 4 months off I've returned to rock climbing, the first time since my breast augmentation. Knowing how weak, and sometimes uncomfortable, my pectoral muscles are I expected a fustrating, short night. I started off very low intensity and felt better than expected. This prompted me to keep increasing the difficulty/intensity level. Back before hormones and transition I used to climb comfortably at 5.10. After hormones, transition, and 20 months off I returned to climbing, able to comfortably climb in the 5.7-5.8 range. I had improved to being able to climb some 5.9's when I quit again for my surgeries. Yesterday the hardest I attempted was 5.7. I am far weaker than ever but not as bad as I thought I might be and the pecs didn't feel as uncomfortable as I anticipated, a pleasant surprise. My arms and legs are really sore today and I skipped my morning bike ride. I'll get back to that tomorrow. I plan to climb again next week. This would be the first time I've climbed on consecutive weeks in several years. It feels great to be climbing again!

Suture No More

2006-04-07T14:22:00.000-05:00

After a trip to my PCP and her scrambled attempt to find a "family friendly" surgeon, in the end it was time that fixed my suture problem. On Sunday, about 11 days after it surfaced, the suture came out on its own. No muss, no fuss, no surgery, no pain. Hurrah for small miracles. Although I don't know if they are related, at the same time my granuloma has gone away. My breasts are looking pretty natural, too. I finally feel healed. I finally feel DONE!

This coming weekend will be 3 months since the BA. This means that I am OK to start wearing a bra. In anticipation of this I went through all of the bras I used to wear when I padded. Most of them were 38B with an occasional 40B. A few were too big and a few were too tight; it looks like I'm something around a 38B. All the last 3 months I've been lamenting that Dr M made me too big. It looks like he knew what he was doing.

Complications Continue

2006-03-22T09:42:00.000-05:00

Since my infection, and since my checkup with my GP, I've had a red mass next to my clitoris. I sent pictures to Dr M's office and was told that I have a "suture granuloma". This means that my body has rejected one of the sutures and is trying to push it out. I'm told that once the suture surfaces, and is removed, all will resolve with no lingering effects. I'm supposed to apply warm compresses 3-4 times daily. At best I usually manage it only twice a day. So, 3 weeks later, the granuloma persists. Today, while checking everything out, I discovered what seems to be a suture poking out in the area of the new hooding above my clit. I don't know if it's involved with the granuloma as I don't know where its other end is. Right now it's a bit too painful to pull the thing out. This may require medical intervention!

On the top front my breasts are looking better, more natural, and starting to show more bounce and jiggle. A few more weeks and I can shop for new bras. Yeah!

I made good on my promise to restart exercising. I'm back on my exercise bike every weekday morning. After three weeks I'm just now starting see an effect on my weight.

Six Months?

2006-03-01T14:24:00.000-05:00

Going by the day counter I just passed my half-year vaginoplasty anniversary. However, since February doesn't have a 30th I'm not sure when the six-month anniversary happens. In any case, the time has seemed to fly by. So much has happened, but in many ways very little has really happened. Truly, vaginoplasty is a huge step in the life of a transgirl but it's only one step of many and certainly not an end point. The step of going full time, for me, will always be the most important step, the day I was able to start living life on my terms, as the me I know myself to be. Going full time was a public event: memos were sent out, an information meeting was held, new identification was generated; everyone knew. Vaginoplasty was a private event; I never told anyone directly what I was doing. I was operated on, recuperated for several weeks, and then returned to work. Life went on. Birthdays were celebrated. The holidays came and went. I continued healing. Six weeks ago I had my labiaplasty and breast augmentation and started the healing process all over again, this time hurting both on top and on bottom. Again, I kept this quiet. Basically, I'm really glad to have all of this in the past. With these out of the way, from here on out it's just life.

Out Damn Spot

2006-02-24T11:29:00.000-05:00

After 10 days on Cipro and sitz baths my labia surgery site infection seems completely resolved and I seem to have stopped spotting blood! Yea!!! Now, back to normal healing. While a few spots on my labia have smoothed out to a natural look most areas are still thickened and raised. The vertical incision above the hood is completely healed but still thick and stiff. Like everything else I imagine I need to allow at least 6 months for all of this to resolve.

My breasts are getting softer, bouncier, and more natural looking all the time. They are still a bit too full at the top, without a natural slope. I hope that this, too, will improve.

I really need to restart my exercising. When I left for my vaginoplasty in August I was about 150 pounds. Right now I'm about 162 pounds. Many of my slacks and jeans are too tight for comfort. I feel thick. Now that my labia are better I'm ready to restart the bike riding. Monday is the day! I've started trying to do some stomach crunches and am surprised to find how much I feel it in my breasts. It's a strange and uncomfortable feeling. It feels like a tightness across my chest, like a belt has been tightening right across my boobs. I think that may be me feeling where the pectoral muscle ends and the bare implant begins. If it feels this strange and uncomfortable from stomach crunches I can't imagine what it will feel like when I restart rock climbing. I hope it's tolerable. I'm scared that the breast aug may kill my climbing in a way that the hormones and muscle loss didn't. I'm not sure it's a reasonable price to pay for my vanity and sense of self.

Transamerica

2006-02-21T15:02:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Michele and I finally saw Transamerica. We kept waiting, hoping it would come to a theater near us. It didn't. We traveled 23 miles each way to see it. It was good, really good, and Felicity Huffman was outstanding. I'm sure it was controversial to cast a woman in the part but she makes it very believable that she's a pre-op F2M.

There are quibbles to be made about authenticity but I feel they are pretty minor in the big picture and actually help to impart some knowledge about the process: Bree, while only 2 weeks away from SRS, doesn't yet have her two psych letters and her main counselor holds the letter hostage until Bree deals with her son. Also, in the real SRS world she'd be off estrogen at this point.

Probably the best thing about the film is that it presents the subject of transsexualism without sensationalism or preaching. It's the main subject of the film but it's presented and intertwined with the story of the main characters, Bree and Toby, getting to know themselves as they drop their guards while getting to know each other. The movie rightly (IMHO) puts the emphasis on the personal change, the process of self understanding, rather than on the physical change, the SRS operation. Many have knocked the movie because of the way it turns into a "travel movie". Perhaps the cross country journey is a plot device too often employed but their physical journey parallels the personal journey towards self understanding and acceptance that each character makes.

I was quite impressed that 30 or so people came out to see this movie but I wonder if they really knew what it was about. There's a pivotal scene where Toby learns Bree's secret when Bree's penis gets exposed. Someone in the audience audibly gasped at that! Although Bree is played by a woman didn't they understand that the character of Bree still had a penis?

When the movie was over I felt like I should stand up and ask if there were any questions. I didn't. Perhaps an opportunity missed.

Vast Improvement

2006-02-17T12:04:00.000-05:00

I started on Cipro on Tuesday evening and started the sitz baths on Wednesday morning. By Thursday morning my labia looked far better. The swelling had reduced and there was decreased discharge. I had a checkup with my primary care physician and she was encouraged by what she saw. She was especially concerned that I could develope areas of abscess which would require treatment. Luckily, that's not the case. Even with the improvement I'm finding it uncomfortable to sit. Yesterday I ended up leaving work early because I was just too uncomfortable. I headed home so that I'd be able to get in 4 sitz treatment (rather than the two per day I'd been doing), recline instead of sitting upright, and spend some hours without underware. It was my hopes that one day of treating my bottom especially well would go a long way towards allowing me to get through the next day at work. So far today the discomfort is about the same but I've managed to adjust my chair and monitor to allow me a more reclined position, better on my bottom but not so great on my neck.

Valentine's Day...or Thanksgiving?

2006-02-15T13:41:00.000-05:00

Twice yesterday Michele accidentally said "Happy Thanksgiving!" I've teased her about it since, but ultimately, isn't Valentine's Day all about showing your special love just how much they mean to you, how much you want to thank them for being a part of your life? Sounds like she had it right!

From Blood to Worse

2006-02-14T15:57:00.000-05:00

OK, I have an infection in my labia. For a few days now my labia have been tender and as of yesterday I have areas of swelling. Today I've got pus.

I sent pictures and a description of my problems to Dr Meltzer's office and later called. I was called back by a Dr Jennifer Shaw. She told me I have an infection. She recommends sitz baths 3-4 times a day (or treatment with warm compresses in lieu of a sitz bath) and has prescribed a 10-day course of Cipro.

I am so anxious to get back to exercising and this is one obstacle standing in my way. I can't wait for all of this to clear up!

Snow Day

2006-02-12T22:08:00.000-05:00

The Washington DC area went from almost spring-like weather to a winter snowstorm. I measured 11 inches on the patio and some nearby areas supposedly got around 24 inches. Our condo association contracts for snow removal but you never know when they'll actually arrive. So, I headed outside with shovel in hand to dig my way down the walkway and out to shovel around the cars and clean them off. I quickly discovered that whatever I had pulled in my chest the other day was going to trouble me in shoveling. However, using a smaller, lighter shovel and taking smaller loads I was able to do what needed to be done.

While pushing the snow off of my car I broke the driver's side wiper blade, so we had to head out in Michele's car looking for a replacement. Luckily I found some at our first stop.

Roads were not bad. The plow crews did a great job and temperatures into the mid 30's allowed the roads to even dry off.

All in all it was a very pretty snowstorm, with snow that clung to the trees in pictoresque ways. Unfortunately this also created many power outages due to downed power lines.

School has already been cancelled for tomorrow. My kids are ecstatic.

Going into my surgeries I was afraid that something, like a snow storm, would mess up our travel and upset the surgery plans. I'm so glad that I got both surgeries done without these problems. It must be hell scheduling winter surgery with Dr Schrang!

Another Possibility

2006-02-12T21:28:00.000-05:00

On Friday I spoke with Lindsay from Dr Meltzer's office. I had sent them an email asking about my labial bleeding. She said that she thinks it is unrelated to my resumed aspirin use. Rather, she said that at about 3 weeks or so after surgery the clotted up blood and stuff that's trapped inside starts liquifying and seeks a way out. In any case, I'm supposed to keep using the bacitracin, watch for infection, and let them know if it gets any worse.

Perhaps a Connection?

2006-02-10T14:24:00.000-05:00

It's well known that taking estrogen can cause blood clots. So, to help counteract this, I take 81mg of aspirin daily. As a prerequisite to LAB and BA I went off of the aspirin 3 weeks before surgery. I restarted the aspirin 3 weeks after surgery. The labial bleeding started right around this same time. Unfortunately, I can't exactly remember which occurred first so I can't really reach a cause-and-effect conclusion. However, aspirin can certainly cause bleeding and I'm bleeding. It definitely seems prudent to stop the aspirin for a while and see what happens.

Big Max is Dead, Long Live Trey

2006-02-10T09:45:00.000-05:00

I never really felt comfortable dilating with dilator #4, "Big Max". It always felt like it was stretching me too much inside. Still, I used it because I thought I was supposed to. After the labiaplasty-required hiatus from dilating I started back in with dilator #3, "Trey". After a few days I went back to #4 but it was even more uncomfortable than before. I got to thinking "Why bother, why put up with the discomfort?" Since I don't really need that extra 1/8 inch diameter I decided to give up with Big Max and do what feels better. Long live Trey!

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

2006-02-09T12:47:00.000-05:00

Perhaps that should be "Two Breasts Forward..."

The last week has been mostly uneventful, with nothing much to comment on. However, things are not quite so great right now. For the last few days I've had bleeding from my labia and my breast are more painful again.

When I look "down below" it's not terribly obvious where the bleeding is coming from. Most of my sutures are now gone or falling out so some of the bleeding may be related to that. Things that were previously tied together are now more subject to pulling and stretching and this could be causing bleeding. Otherwise, nothing looks infected and the swelling continues to improve. I probably shouldn't be overly concerned but it is alarming.

My right breast is still tender on the outside where I pulled something while still in AZ. The left breast is tender on the inside since yesterday. Somehow I hurt it while pressing closed the pull top on my sitz bottle. Now it hurts to do my breast massage exercises and its tender when I lay on my side. Otherwise, the implants seem to have mostly settled down into place and the swelling is improving (on Tuesday I was able to wear a blouse that was too tight when I tried it on two weeks ago). They still don't look terribly natural as they are still too full towards the top and they are still quite tight. No jiggle here yet!

The sensitivity of my breasts is uneven. I have areas across my breasts and areola of greater and lesser feeling but no areas that are completely numb. Most areas are no where near 100%. Overall my left breast has better feeling than my right breast with my right areola being mostly dull.

Where Does Gender Come From?

2006-01-31T22:47:00.000-05:00

I found the poster for my last entry from the ProtoPage of my friend Andrea. It really resonated with me and I felt the immediate need to post it to my blog. For me it is one way to get your hooks into the issue of what is gender, where does it come from, and how does society police it (and police it it does!). Of course, if you are reading this blog, I'm probably preaching to the choir.

Anyhow, to continue this theme please consider "When I was a Boy" by Dar Williams.

Play Song

I won't forget when Peter Pan came to my house, took my hand
I said I was a boy; I'm glad he didn't check.
I learned to fly, I learned to fight
I lived a whole life in one night
We saved each other's lives out on the pirate's deck.

And I remember that night
When I'm leaving a late night with some friends
And I hear somebody tell me it's not safe,
someone should help me
I need to find a nice man to walk me home.

When I was a boy, I scared the pants off of my mom,
Climbed what I could climb upon
And I don't know how I survived,
I guess I knew the tricks that all boys knew.

And you can walk me home, but I was a boy, too.

I was a kid that you would like, just a small boy on her bike
Riding topless, yeah, I never cared who saw.
My neighbor come outside to say, "Get your shirt,"
I said "No way, it's the last time I'm not breaking any law."

And now I'm in this clothing store, and the signs say less is more
More that's tight means more to see, more for them, not more for me
That can't help me climb a tree in ten seconds flat

When I was a boy, See that picture? That was me
Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees
And I know things have gotta change,
They got pills to sell, they've got implants to put in,
they've got implants to remove

But I am not forgetting...that I was a boy too

And like the woods where I would creep, it's a secret I can keep
Except when I'm tired, 'cept when I'm being caught off guard
And I've had a lonesome awful day, the conversation finds its way
To catching fire-flies out in the backyard.

And I so tell the man I'm with about the other life I lived
And I say now you're top gun, I have lost and you have won
And he says, "Oh no, no, can't you see

When I was a girl, my mom and I we always talked
And I picked flowers everywhere that I walked.
And I could always cry, now even when I'm alone I seldom do
And I have lost some kindness
But I was a girl too.
And you were just like me, and I was just like you

---===---

I think that for at least 95% of the population the idea that there is a difference between sex and gender is hard to imagine. For the rest of us transgender folk, and possibly for the GLB community, it is impossible to escape. To my understanding "gender" is a societal construct, a set of "rules" that establish what is ok or forbidden for the two sexes. It touches everything from what you are allowed to wear, what occupations you are allowed to seek, how much emotion you are allowed to exhibit, who you are allowed to love, and a great host of other do's and don'ts. It changes through time and it differs between cultures. As great as the strides in civil rights has been over the last 30 or 40 years our country may be more polarized now than ever over issues of sex, gender, or sexual preference. The gender police, the great moralizers, the religious right are emboldened now like never before, with a virtual decree from our sitting government. Vote democratic!

While I doubt that a true easing or elimination of the gender laws would eliminate all gender dysphoria I'm sure we'd *all* be happier and more free to be ourselves.

Nipple Sensitivity

2006-01-31T10:58:00.000-05:00

Going into the breast augmentation one of my concerns was the potential loss of nipple sensitivity. Following the surgery I woke to find clear tape covering my nipples and areolas with a circular hole that the centermost part of my nipples stuck through. We were instructed that five days after surgery we were to grab the end of the covered sutures and pull them out, leaving the tape in place until it fell off on its own. It wasn't falling off at all. As of yesterday the tape was still intact and I had very limited feeling through it. Last night we were instructed to remove the tape, too. I must say that things feel different now. I'm getting a lot more feeling but it's still limited and spotty. Overall the left nipple and breast are more sensitive. The overall sensation is a bit uncomfortable, a bit painful. Like everything else I suppose I need to wait at least 6 months before I know what's what.

Gender Subversion

2006-01-30T11:07:00.000-05:00

FOR EVERY GIRL WHO IS TIRED
OF ACTING WEAK WHEN SHE IS
STRONG, THERE IS A BOY TIRED OF
APPEARING STRONG WHEN HE
FEELS VULNERABLE.

FOR EVERY
BOY WHO IS BURDENED WITH
THE CONSTANT EXPECTATION OF
KNOWING EVERYTHING, THERE
IS A GIRL TIRED OF PEOPLE NOT TRUSTING HER
INTELLIGENCE.

FOR EVERY GIRL WHO IS TIRED
OF BEING CALLED OVER-SENSITIVE, THERE IS
A BOY WHO FEARS TO BE GENTLE, TO WEEP.

FOR EVERY BOY FOR WHOM COMPETITION IS
THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE HIS MASCULINITY,
THERE IS A GIRL WHO IS CALLED UNFEMININE
WHEN SHE COMPETES.

FOR EVERY GIRL WHO
THROWS OUT HER E-Z-BAKE OVEN, THERE IS
A BOY WHO WISHES TO FIND ONE.

FOR EVERY
BOY STRUGGLING NOT TO LET ADVERTISING
DICTATE HIS DESIRES, THERE IS A GIRL FACING
THE AD INDUSTRY’S ATTACKS ON HER SELF-
ESTEEM.

FOR EVERY GIRL WHO TAKES A STEP
TOWARD HER LIBERATION, THERE IS A BOY WHO
FINDS THE WAY TO FREEDOM A LITTLE EASIER.

Adapted from a poem by Nancy R. Smith. CrimethInc. Gender Subversion Kit #69-B. Copies of this poster are availble individually and in bulk quantities from CrimethInc. Genders Anonymous / PO Box 1963 / Olympia WA 98507 or if waiting ain’t your thing, go to www.crimethinc.com.

Milestones

2006-01-29T19:14:00.000-05:00

This may not sound like a big deal to you but on Thursday I was first able to lay on my side and on Friday night I was able to sleep on my side. :) I absolutely hate sleeping on my back and find it very hard to get comfortable. I wake up with my knees and hips hurting from having my legs splayed open. I need to be on my side in my comfortable semi-fetal position. Oh joy! There's still some discomfort in my breast this way and I need a pillow between my knees or below my top leg, but it's still nearly heaven.

The stitched area that creates my new hooding has pretty much healed. The edges of my labia are still swollen but mostly healed; I think all the tissue sloughing is done. The stitches through the labia are starting to tatter on the inside.

What a Difference a Breast Aug Makes

2006-01-29T19:03:00.000-05:00

I was asked today for a picture of the "new me". While we've been taking "clinical" shots of my top and bottom I'm not yet ready to post those. Perhaps even I am too modest for that ;-) So, here's a shot to show you me "Then and Now".

I'm really starting to get into the idea of being *big*! I know that the final product will only get better, and smaller once the swelling goes down, but I can really get an idea about what it will be like and I like what I'm seeing.